Why Intimacy In Relationships is to be Created, Not Expected
Lady Bird Lake - Austin, Texas
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was my senior year of college, and at the time I was having a conversation with my then girlfriends’ father.
I’m not quite sure what led to me asking the question then, but our dialogue soon shifted to marriage and how you know when you’ve found ‘the one.’
His answer surprised me.
At the time he had been married 27 years, and though I didn’t always see eye to eye with him, I respected the hell out of who he was as a man (and how he showed up and led the household of his wife and four children – my ex included).
“Brandon, I’m going to share something with you, and it may actually surprise you.”
“The rhetoric around there being ‘the one’ and just riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after is a Hollywood/fairytale concept that just isn’t true.”
As I paused and looked him dead in the eyes, the word ‘surprised’ didn’t do justice to what I felt at that time.
At that point I had been in a committed relationship with his daughter for nearly two years.
He noticed the slight look of shock on my face, and began speaking more as to what he meant.
“You see Brandon, relationships require work… and I mean A LOT of work, if one truly wants to be happy within one.”
“But you and your wife seem to be really happy and loving towards one another. Did you not believe she was ‘the one’ when you guys first met?” I responded back.
“I tell you what Brandon, I was very clear with my values, who I was as a person, and what I wanted in a significant other.”
“From that framework (and after I was done having my ‘fun’), I knew the qualities and traits of the woman whom I wanted to be the mother of my children, and ultimately spend the rest of my life with.”
“There may be a ‘love at first sight’ but it won’t last without work and commitment.” He stated, essentially putting a button on the conversation.
He was very much an alpha in the sense he was very confident, sure of himself, and deeply rooted in his personal values/beliefs.
Back then I didn’t really have too many interactions with men thirty plus years older than me, whom I had dialogue about relationship dynamics to that extent.
Why do I mention that?
Because at the time I thought he was a bit cray cray, and his very direct and poignant way of communication, penetrated through all the layers of BS conditioning that I had grown to embody (mainly from essentially being raised by both my mother and sister), with no actual quality (and ongoingly healthy) representation of masculine leadership throughout my teenage and college years.
I remember leaving that conversation feeling like I literally had been slapped upside the head.
After days of processing his words, it dawned on me then (though I didn’t necessarily fully put it into practice until many years later), that the way to have a relationship of deep love and unionship was by creating it (rather than expecting it to be so).
Though his daughter and I’s intimate relationship subsequently ended some months after that dialogue in which we shared, him and I have continued having a relationship over the nearly fifteen years since then.
Why do I mention this?
Because I’ve been in a committed unionship with a woman I love dearly for over five years, and through an abundance of inner work (on both of our ends), I can genuinely say with the utmost of honesty that our relationship has transformed into a mutual and uplifting partnership, which I now know and recognize has become so, through the said effort of putting in ‘the work.’
I’m not talking about hard physical labor, as in being completely wiped out and exhausted after a long day of being outside and moving objects (shout out to my construction workers or landmen out there).
However, I am talking about a daily creation of authentic communication, openness in expressing disagreements (from a mindful disposition), and incorporating different practices where if a sense of space, separation, or lack of intimacy start to become present, we are able to begin the rebuilding process (in order to prevent days from turning into weeks, and then graduating into months).
In this article I’m going to share the top three aspects that have been the most beneficial within my own committed partnership to my beloved, as well as other individuals whom I’ve had the privilege of assisting within their relationships too.
I’d like to add a disclaimer in that I’ve found this to work for every gender, nationality, or religion too.
I’ve supported individuals who would identify themselves as Christian, Spiritual, Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, Lesbian, Gay, and not only in the US, but also different countries like in Europe, Asia, and South America too.
I mention this to say what I’m going to share below is universal in the sense that if practiced with intention, mindfulness, and from an aligned commitment between both parties, then I promise you the possibility of shifting relationships that are on the verge of absolute breakdown (trust me, I’ve more than been there), to ones with an abundance of love and connection (again, if both parties are in agreement on desiring the latter).
So without further ado, let’s get to those three steps 🙏🏿
1. Develop the Practice of Mindful Communication
What is mindful communication?
It is communicating with presence, kindness, compassion, and most importantly, with a commitment to learning (rather than being right).
Communication is at the foundational level of how two partners engage and either create cohesion or disharmony within their relationship.
Communicating mindfully comes from a place of being able to not only see and identify different emotions as they individually appear, but also being able to process and communicate said emotions in a way where one is taking 100% responsibility for their own.
How do we know when we’re not taking 100% responsibility for our emotional experience?
Simply put, anytime we place or issue BLAME upon another, we’re actively projecting or creating a victim consciousness (which ultimately creates more separation, rather than unification).
I feel very connected on a personal level to speaking about this particular topic, because I’m one that would lean more towards possessing a very passionate disposition (or in other terms, my temperament for the majority of my life would be considered by many to lean towards that of being ‘hot’).
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
You get it?
And I can honestly say that throughout my life (and I’m sure many of you can agree or identify this to be true for you as well), I’ve said things or acted in ways that have played a part in hurting people (rather intentionally or unconsciously).
Again, I repeat, “hurt people, hurt people.”
However, when we slow down and connect to our breath whenever we experience a deep emotional trigger, we create the opportunity to ‘respond with consciousness’ rather than ‘react from the potential pain we may be feeling.’
How do we know when we are experiencing a deep emotional trigger?
Simply put, it’s whenever our inner peace is disturbed.
Anything that disturbs our peace is a beautiful opportunity to go inward within ourselves and ask one concise question:
- What is it inside of me that keeps attracting this experience to me?
From that place, it empowers us to reflect more inwardly within ourselves, rather than outwardly from a place of blame or judgement of another.
Can we all do this perfectly, as in 100% of the time?
I think anything is possible, however the point is to not try and be ‘perfect’ around it, but gradually improve ourselves each and every day, to the point that we respond with compassion, grace, and understanding to certain situations more frequently, which ultimately builds more ‘nervous system strength’ within our bodies, that leads to a greater expansion in our ability to create more depth and connection in our relationships (which at the end of the day, starts with the depth and connection we have with ourselves).
Mindfully communicating from a place of listening to understand (which is actually a form of communicating), authentically expressing how we feel or felt emotionally by a certain action or event (from a place of ownership of our emotions), and then being able to co-create dialogue that uplifts one another, is ultimately how we can continue to expand our ‘way of Being’ with others, which at the end of the day comes from our ability to truly again, ‘be’ with ourselves.
2. Create a ’10 Ways I Feel Loved’ Exercise
An interesting book that in a sense coincides with this is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Are you familiar with it?
While I’m not going to spend too much time discussing it here, the premise is that each and every person has one or two primary ways in which they feel most loved.
When they aren’t receiving those loving actions within a relationship to a certain degree (each person has their own balancing point), then they ultimately don’t feel loved.
I’d like to give you a brief personal example, but first, here are the five love languages from the book:
1. Physical touch
2. Acts of Service
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Receiving of Gifts
5. Quality Time Spent Together
Does one instantly come up for you from a place of intuitively knowing that it outweighs all the others?
Pay attention to it 😉 (though I would also recommend giving the book a read too if you haven’t as well).
Alright, back to my personal example now.
My top love language is ‘quality time.’
My partner’s is physical touch.
For nearly the first two years of our relationship, her way of expressing love to me was through physical touch (hugs, kisses, skin to skin contact), whereas my way of sharing the same was more so through the creating and spending of quality time together (with no distractions).
While this may seem like a beautiful synchronicity (and it is to a certain degree, as we all tend to embody a portion of all five on some level), there was a huge gap between both of us in putting forth the actions to where the other person feels most loved.
She’s more of a touchy-feely type (and for her that translates to the public domain too).
Frankly put, I’m not a big touchy type of guy.
I’ve never been a big ‘holding hands in public’ type of guy.
Neither of us grew up in a family where there was an overabundance of hugs and touch.
Nothing wrong with that, just an observation to add a bit of deeper context to what I’m sharing.
However, once she moved away from home at the age of sixteen for competitive volleyball, something shifted inside of her.
She began seeing the physical and warm embrace between some of her teammates and their parents, whenever they came to visit or attend their games.
In particular, one of her teammates mothers used to give her a big and heartful hug, each and every time she would see her.
At that point she began to notice just how much she loved being hugged (aka physical touch).
She had developed a newly profound awareness of that being an unmet need of hers growing up.
One that she felt so connected to, that she began to naturally model that way of showing love towards others.
In her mind, the highest domain of expressing love to me was through the same way that she felt most loved herself (and of course to a degree it is highly important in intimate relationships), though my way of feeling loved the most was again, through quality time together.
Time where the cell phones are on silent or completely turned off, while we’re either watching a movie, having a deep and present conversation, or exercising/going for walks together.
It actually personally makes sense as far as who I am and even what I do professionally.
I believe presence is everything.
It’s at the core of our being.
So, it only makes sense that that’s of primary importance to me within my intimate relationship too.
While I can speak more in depth to this in a future writing, I would like to add a button on top in saying that both of us are now very clear as to the needs of the other person, and how to create a sense of daily activities around supporting that.
Are we perfect at it?
Not at all, but the amount of work we’ve put in towards honoring each other’s natural wants and desires is in a far more unified, connected, and co-creative place, than where it once was.
You feel me?
I hope not (were you paying attention to what I wrote earlier) – 🤔 😉
Alright, let’s now get to the ’10 Ways to Feel Loved’ exercise.
Firstly, I’d like to say the information I’m providing you in this text is from years of not only I, but my beloved investing in ourselves.
It’s come from different Personal Coaches, Couples Therapy, and Intimacy Workshops that we’ve both either experienced together, in a 1:1 setting, or within a group dynamic (if you feel led to explore more into my experiences around that, you can read more of ‘Why I Hired a Men’s Coach’ or ‘Why I Joined a Men’s Group’).
Why do I mention that?
To highlight that if you truly desire for a relationship to work, then ultimately YOU will put in the work (and a part of that in both of our experiences has been the continual investing within ourselves, which has created more space for each person to have their own support system – outside of relying solely on the relationship alone to provide all of it).
Alright, brief rant over.
So, the ’10 Ways to Feel Loved” exercise begins with each person bringing a deep level of presence and committed time blocked off on the calendar (shout out to peeps who are partial to the ‘Quality Time’ love language) 👌🏿
Secondly, each person creates a list of the top 10 actions/activities in which they feel loved the most.
A couple of mine are:
1. When I am openly listed to with deep presence (with all technology off or in another room)
2. When I am verbally acknowledged or appreciated
Here are a couple of hers:
1. When I am touched with loving intention
a. Massages
b. Kisses on the forehead
c. Hugging tightly
2. When given random cards/notes of acknowledgment that are self-written
After each person completes their list of ten (10), you take turns verbally expressing yours.
Meaning, you’d read off your own list while the other person listens with presence (and without any interrupting).
Once both people have gone, you then swap lists (person A gives person B theirs / vice versa), and then each person re-reads out loud the other person's list.
After this is complete, you then acknowledge one another’s list and ask questions if anything within it is unclear or confusing.
Once both people feel complete, you look into one another’s eyes and express gratitude to each other.
Each of you swap the actual list that you created (handing it over to your partner).
You then keep your partners list in a convenient place where you have easy access to see it on a DAILY basis (as an example, my list that I have of my partners is in the bathroom of my office… and I intentionally look at it each morning while brushing my teeth).
Each day, you pick 1-2 (of course you can always choose more) actions from the list, and proactively do them.
This goes back to the title of this writing of “Why Intimacy in Relationships is to be Created, Not Expected.”
By having a daily reminder (even if you have your partner's list memorized), it provides the space to constantly see it and remember to intentionally ACT from a place of unconditionally giving the other person what they need (and of course, doing so from a place of love).
You’d be absolutely amazed at how quickly something like this can change the pulse within a relationship (trust me, I’m speaking to you from a high level of personal experience).
Disclaimer – No relationship is created equal, so the amount and time of the change is truly dependent on both parties' level of commitment in continuously prioritizing this exercise.
The cool part is you’re both doing it for one another (and again, on a daily basis), so the intimacy just continues to build, and build, and build, to the point that when disagreements or situations occur that disturb the peace of the relationship (you’re able to bounce back more quickly than if there wasn’t a reservoir of love floating between you both - - - which again, would have been created by the effort each of you continue to bring forth, each and every day).
3. Create Mutual Agreements Rather Than Expectations
An agreement is clear, concise, and mutually understood between two parties (in this case within your intimate relationship).
Expectations are aspects where we ‘expect’ another person to do, say, or act upon something, without there ever being a clear agreement.
Expectations are a recipe for pain and upset within relationships, whereas agreements are mutually life-enhancing, intimacy building, and provide the foundation for crystal clear communication, where both people are on the exact same page.
Some of the most common myths around intimate relationships are that:
“Well the other person should just know to do_________”
Or
“I can’t believe they did_______they should know better.”
Or
“I expected _______to (insert activity – take the trash out, be done with work by ___, be open to talk at the exact moment I have something important to share/express, be available at ____ because there’s nothing on their calendar at that time).
You get my drift?
This list could genuinely go on and on and on… to the point of being enough to make you say “What’s Going On?” (shout out to the late Marvin Gaye) 🙏🏿
While the first subtext I shared was around ‘Mindful Communication,’ and the second of ‘Creating the 10 Ways to Feel Loved List” are highly important aspects to complete (if you truly choose to lean into any of what I’m sharing), this 3rd one of “Creating Mutual Agreements rather than Expectations” is the whipped cream, vanilla icing, and cherry on top of the proverbial sundae (hmm, that’s actually making me a bit hungry – shout out to NadaMoo ice cream, I miss you dearly but will reacquaint myself with your greatness, the next I touch down in the states) 😔
Why do I believe that to be true?
Guess what, you’re in luck, because I’m about to tell you 😉
Because expectations create anger that graduates into resentment. Once enough resentment is felt within the body (without there being any change in unblocking it), that leads to apathy.
Apathy is the last place you want to be within an intimate relationship.
Feeling apathetic is akin to just no longer caring one way or the other.
It forms from a lengthy time of trying or saying something over and over and over again, with no change in outcome.
Actually, it also occurs on a polar opposite level too (from not openly sharing your feelings or speaking up in areas that are important to you).
Once one feels apathetic, they’ve truly closed and blocked off their heart.
What is the problem with this?
The problem is that when you block your heart in any way, shape, or form (aka towards your intimate spouse), you in a sense are blocking the full capacity of your heart in your overall unique expression of ‘being’ in the world too.
Interesting how that works huh?
Have you ever heard the term ‘love your enemies’ and thought it sounded like the most ridiculous thing ever stated?
If yes, you’re not alone (but I’m sure as you can sense in the overall vibe of what I’m sharing, it’s not the true answer).
You can still love someone, while protecting your heart through the creation of boundaries.
However with that note, this writing is already a bit on the super long tip, so I’m not going to dive into more around boundaries (however if you tend to find setting strong ones to be a challenge, you may find value in reading “How To Stop Being a People Pleaser”).
So, what I’ve just described about the latter around ‘expectations,’ is truly a place no one would consciously choose to be right?
I mean who wants to authentically live there with a strong undercurrent of apathy?
However, this is a no judgement zone, so if you raise your hand with a true desire to receive more of that recipe, then more power to you (and I got just as much love for you too).
Though in saying that, I will say that the ultimate catalyst in creating a unified and intimate relationship is through setting clear and bonafide agreements with your partner.
Hell, even beyond your partner, it’s the most authentic way to enhance connection, understanding, and openness with both professional and personal relationships too.
It creates a foundation of both people being on the same page, and that page being one where each person is given a unique opportunity to hold themselves accountable for what it is that they’ve ‘agreed’ to with their partner.
Here are a couple of personal examples of myself.
After I finish a client meeting, I block off 45 minutes to an hour of personal ‘nothingness’ time for myself.
This time of ‘nothingness’ could include me:
- Listening to music
- Going for a walk
- Doing a brief meditation to resettle myself
- Going to the pool to read out in the sun for 20-30 minutes
- Eating a snack to recharge my mind
- Scrolling through some of my favorite videos on YouTube
Or any other aspect that I feel led to do within that time that would be useful for me.
Guess what, the last thing I want to do after being present, listening, and speaking in a deep and transformative conversation, is to immediately have another conversation (and in this case with my partner).
Why do I mention this?
Because I used to get soooo upset whenever she would come into the office or come up to me while I was sitting down and grabbing a bite to eat afterwards.
We both work under the same roof, and that within itself can create challenges. I’m sure many of you may have experienced a similar situation over the last two years at some point, where your spouse has been home more than usual, and maybe you both needed to navigate through new boundaries.
I ‘expected’ her to know that I wanted space to myself after said sessions.
“Why wouldn’t she understand that I want to be left alone after stepping out of a 1-2-hour long meeting?”
“Why is she asking me so many questions around X, Y, or Z?”
Guess what, the reason the aforementioned were occurring was because:
1. I didn’t communicate what I needed post-session (creating a clear boundary)
2. I didn’t create a mutual agreement with her, as far as how to handle situations where there may be something that’s important to her, that’s needed during that time period
After experiencing unwanted interruptions in my “nothingness” time, over and over and over again, guess what I finally chose to proactively do?
Create a mindful conversation (no screaming or shouting), where I expressed my needs (from a place of love), to which she verbally reflected back what I shared (which as I mentioned earlier, her open listening was the equivalent of communicating), and we formed a mutual agreement around my desire and need for intervals of peace, quiet, and time alone throughout the day.
If she needs something during my time of ‘nothingness,’ she’ll either send me a text or email with the request (without an expectation for me to respond immediately).
Sometimes I may see it and respond back shortly afterwards, other times I may see it and communicate that I can speak more to it at a certain time (to which I ask if she would like to agree to discussing it at said time), or there are times when I won’t see it until later (as I’ll truly have my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ or silenced).
While this is just one example (and again, it’s not about perfection), it’s an agreement that has created the capacity to experience more ease and flow within my life.
She also has agreements where I was initially approached by her too.
We even have a working document with our agreements on them, so that if one person is out of integrity in following said agreements (we’re all human right?), then we can create another mindful conversation to discuss it, and if needed, make changes to the agreement in order to place both of us in a better position to clearly follow through on them.
This is ultimately what relationships are about.
Communication, trust, agreements, being listened too and understood, and both parties knowing (through clear communication and agreements) what the other person needs in order to truly feel loved.
But guess what it requires?
Work on both ends.
However again, I’m not talking about grueling or excruciating work that leaves you both tired and exhausted.
I’m talking inspiring, uplifting, and connected ‘work’ that leaves you both feeling more intimate, loving, and in overall peaceful harmony with one another (more times than not) 🙌🏿
I hope this has been helpful to you, and I would like to only make one request if it has.
The request would be to forward this to one (1) person who you believe could receive value from it.
As at the end of the day, we are all here to be in relationship with one another (in some shape or capacity), and when our intimate relationships with the person in whom we deeply love expands at home, it naturally energizes and expands the capacity for all other relationships to level up too.
And that is my ultimate intention, for sharing all that I just shared with you (that rhymed a bit).
With Love,
Brandon