How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Just getting a little work done in the sunshine at the pool :- ) - Costa Rica
What’s your relationship to saying this one simple word…. No?
My relationship to it used to be one where I practically didn’t even know it was a part of the English vocabulary.
I was so used to saying yes, maybe, or I’ll think about it all the time that when it came to decisively saying the words “no,” I’d squirm and come up with a thousand reasons why in my head that I should reconsider it.
However today my relationship to the word is very aligned.
Aligned to the point that I use it significantly more than the opposite.
I used to freely give my time to any and everybody who would ask of it.
Whether it be a friend, relative, or when approached by others who were in need of my assistance (in other words, time) for something.
As a people pleaser I couldn’t resist.
I would always find a way to squeeze everyone or everything into my schedule, as best as I could.
It felt like my days were nonstop from the time I would wake up in the morning, all the way until bedtime.
Even at bedtime I’d still be thinking about all the things I still needed to do or people who I needed to return calls/e-mails from.
Time and time again this led to one outcome.
Frustration and burnout.
I would then play the same riddle in my head of being unappreciated by all of those who I was freely giving my time too.
I had no boundaries, no clear foundation of what equated to a yes and no in my book.
I was floating.
Floating in the air with no rooted plan to where said decisions were leading me.
This cycle of overextending myself showed up in all areas of my life too.
I held this belief that I was a bad person if I didn’t help each and every person who expressed a need for it.
This showed up in not setting clear boundaries in my professional work (sending messages and answering e-mails to the late hours of the evening), in my relationship (saying far too many yes’s to activities or things I had no deep desire in actually doing), and within my family (where for many years I felt I was a human ATM machine, due to my inability to say no upon financial requests).
Can you relate to any of these?
If so, here are three ways to take back full control of not only your time, but ultimately your life and how you intentionally choose to create it.
1. Create a Life Foundation
What is a life foundation you may be wondering?
It’s a list of areas within your life that are not only top priorities, but also act as a compass in the direction YOU are choosing to aim towards going.
What are your non-negotiables?
Meaning what are those aspects that are a deep apart of your personal values that work as the foundation of who you are and what you are creating in the world?
As an example, I’ll share a couple of mines.
I am committed to living a peaceful, happy, and authentic life with the foundation of unapologetic love as my anchor.
What do I mean by that?
I mean I am committed to creating a life where I genuinely spend it doing what I love.
I love writing, I love coaching, I love creating a daily state of being that is deeply rooted in peace of mind, and I love being in dialogue with others who inspire me with their desire to live a life of purpose and meaning.
Through the commitment of honoring what I love, most of my days are spent in the essence of what I just mentioned.
I write every day, I am dialogue with others who inspire me through the personal commitment they make to themselves, and I am in coaching conversations to help others create a deep sense of the same in their lives (unapologetic inner peace and happiness).
What’s going on in the world has no bearing on my foundation of happiness either.
I believe that I am just a temporary conduit on the planet at this time who is here to lovingly express whatever it is that spirit desires to extend through me.
Who am I to block the flow of this pure and uplifting energy?
That’s my inner compass.
That’s the knowing in which I bring to this human existence. A knowing that it’s not about the small “I” but the larger “I” who desires to extend my highest capacity into the world while I’m still here.
What’s your foundation?
By becoming clear on this piece first, then it provides a beautiful anchor to reflect back to yourself each and every time you create an action or respond to an opportunity, to see if it truly does align to your life’s compass.
2. If it’s Not a Hell Yes, it’s a No
This is one of my daily mantras now.
If something isn’t a hell yes. A hell yes that I can feel in every fiber of my body, then it’s a no.
There’s really not much black or white for me on this as it used to be either.
I consider myself someone with razor sharp body awareness.
It’s a superpower that over the years has been cultivated through yoga, meditation, and the natural sensitivity I have of tuning into the environment around me (both inwardly and outwardly).
I also frequently ask myself deep and reflective questions on a daily basis (while authentically allowing whatever answers come up to be fully felt and embraced).
This provides a beautiful tool for me to align to what actually creates a sense of either exciting or expansive energy throughout my body.
One of the most common questions I ask clients in coaching sessions at different intervals throughout is:
“How do you feel in your body right now?” or “What would you truly love to create in your life?”
It’s one thing that I constantly ask myself, while creating space in between to allow my own body wisdom to respond.
However, it’s different for each individual person, as a true empowered state comes when we learn to listen to and trust our own internal bodily cues.
Ask yourself right now, when is the last time you said ‘yes’ to something that you truly felt a sense of excitement around?
Spend a couple minutes with that thought.
Now ask yourself what are the last three things I’ve said yes to which I either wasn’t excited, or my body may have been screaming no (but you allowed your ‘mind’ to rationalize it to the point where you said yes anyway)?
This step takes some time to fully honor and cultivate, but once you actively become more and more in tune with your body, it is an absolute goldmine.
I’ll use one brief example of how this is showing up for me presently as I write this.
Recently I’ve become crystal clear aware of what my personal zone of genius is.
A quick summary for those who aren’t aware of the term, is that your zone of genius is the unique skill or gift that only you can offer to the world. Not only that, you feel effortlessly energized by it and it comes so natural to you that:
1. Time floats by while you’re doing it
2. It doesn’t feel like work to you
For the essence of time, I won’t speak more into it here, but if interested, you can read more about how to discover and identify your own unique one here.
However, for me, it’s essentially what I mentioned earlier.
A mixture of writing about personal development, creating an intentional and slowed down space for others through personal coaching (where they are able to create life transforming insights), and being in dialogue with others who are highly committed to their own personal and professional growth, as well as creating a life of their dreams).
The more time I spent in all three of these areas, the more effortless my output is (none of these activities feel like actual work), and the more alive I feel.
However other aspects around my business like the technical pieces and even social media to an extent, are frankly not areas I love spending much time on.
I recently hired a virtual assistant who absolutely loves these areas (to better navigate them for me), and I’m also in the process of hiring a Writing Coach to help me in the process of completing my first book.
I use the same “hell yes” philosophy I mentioned above in these decisions too.
I used it with my virtual assistant (who was a clear hell yes) and I am actively using it as I engage with a few different coaches to see which may be the best personal fit for me.
I’ve made it clear to all of them from the very beginning on what I desire assistance with and what outcome I’d love to create in our work together.
Now in dialogue with the coaches over e-mail, I can feel into their words and how they feel throughout my body (just like you can feel the ‘energy’ behind the words you’re reading now).
I can feel into if my body is leaning towards a certain coach or feeling resistance to one.
Keyword is that I’m doing this from my BODY and not HEAD.
Our bodies are exceptional communicators at telling us what it is that may serve us the most (if we listen).
Another example is that I also recently hired a Financial Coach.
Everything in my body was telling me to do so, so I leaned in and engaged with one from a referral from another Coach whom I trust.
After interacting with this particular Financial Budget Coach, I felt all “hell yes’s” in my body.
However as soon as I got off the call with them, parts of my mind (ego) attempted to come in and sabotage what I knew on a physiological level I had felt while on the call.
I was clear with what I desired to create for myself in the dialogue with this Coach, and they more than conveyed there understanding and ability to proficiently help me with what I needed.
Ultimately over the next day I recalibrated back into my body (by intentionally quieting the mind) and felt aligned to moving forward on us beginning to work with each other.
3. Don’t take Anything Personally
A lot of times when we’re afraid to say no or unclear with our decisiveness in making decisions, it’s because at the root we internally either:
a. Don’t trust ourselves
b. Don’t want to hurt the other person
c. A mixture of both
This just goes back to people, at the end of the day, being powerful mirrors of ourselves.
Anything that we see in another person that we dislike or have some resistance to, is just an area within ourselves that could use more love and healing.
If we are to embrace and love all things that show up in front of us, from a place of acceptance that whatever it is, is a beautiful opportunity for us to grow and expand our own capacity in the world, then we live freer.
The aspects that we may strongly dislike or judge as ‘bad,’ are but aspects that we create separation to within ourselves.
What if we just approached everything from a place of openness in allowing one to be exactly who it is they desire to be, while at the same time fully honoring the same within ourselves?
If that’s genuinely our approach to life and how we’re living it, then what would we really ever have to take personally?
What is one person’s truth is just that, their truth.
What is our truth is just that, our truth.
It all goes back to the individual personal foundation that I mentioned in step 1.
By recognizing, trusting, and embracing all layers of ourselves, then we’re able to do the same for others.
When we open our hearts and allow that to lead the way, then we can approach all situations from a gentle and loving place of grace.
Remember, anything we take personally is but a mirror for something we haven’t fully embraced or loved within ourselves.
An example for myself has to do with fairness.
I have this deep desire for things to be fair, however each and every individual’s definition of fair may be different.
Therefore, what I may consider to be fair, another may consider to be the polar opposite.
I’ve learned (and continue to) that all I can personally do is continue to express my truth and treat others in a way that I would perceive is fair, which by doing so can create ripple effects for others who may deem my way of being as aligned to theirs energetically too.
Hopefully that makes sense.
All in all though, our souls are here to be alive, free, joyful, passionate, and most importantly underneath it all; loving.
People pleasing and saying yes to aspects that truly don’t illicit a response of interest, curiosity, or excitement, begets more of the same energy that was created in the act of making the choice from the very beginning.
Choose to live, choose to be a man of conviction, choose to be a man who honors himself and courageously opens his heart (even at those times when it most desires to close).
As by doing so, one will continue to speak, live, and ‘be’ their authentic truth, leading to a life of feeling peacefully aligned and purposely-driven.
With Love,
Brandon