Why Strong Boundaries are key to living a Happy & Balanced Life
Playa Uvita in Uvita, Costa Rica
It’s no secret that one of the ultimate desires of the human race (albeit conscious or unconsciously) is to live an authentic and happy life.
A life that feels in true alignment with one’s inner truth.
A life that affords one the possibility to evolve into their highest potential, so that they can in some way positively impact or enhance not only their personal lives, but that of others too.
I believe we all can identify with the qualities that when we’re operating at our best, tend to come more naturally (without too much effort).
We may feel a culmination or expanding levels of:
- Inner peace
- Presence
- Self-confidence
- Vitality
- Positive thinking
- Openness
- Curiosity
- Playfulness
While these aren’t all of the traits, I believe you get the gist of what I’m attempting to convey.
Ultimately, we feel in flow.
We move at a natural rhythm that allows us to show up embodying the majority of said traits to a particular degree, that energetically creates a more balanced life.
However, I believe we all can identify with times where we felt the polar opposite.
Maybe even as you presently read this, your awareness identifies this as a current truth from where you sit today.
However, in the natural ebb and flow of life, we have all been gifted in this human experience of ‘feeling’ (especially for those who are more highly aware and sensitive to people and the environments in which they surround themselves), the multitude of different emotions that may bubble up beneath the surface (and at times when we frequently may least expect them to do so).
Can you identify with this yourself?
If so, you may also recognize that the times in which you feel most peacefully aligned, more than likely came during a period where you were:
1. Inwardly clear as to what you truly wanted
2. Operating in alignment with said wants
3. Very clear with your boundaries
While I mentioned the boundaries nugget last, it’s actually at the foundation in living an authentic and balanced life.
In this particular article, I will go in more in depth as to why strong boundaries are the key to a happy-balanced life, and some reflective questions that can help you in identifying and recreating new ones that can assist you in the process of moving towards creating more internal states of peace, love, and flow within your life.
Why Boundaries are So Important
We create our lives in two ways:
1. What it is that we say ‘yes’ to
2. What it is that we say ‘no’ to
Pretty simple right?
Alright, sounds like my work is done.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may go on continuing whatever it is you were doing prior to reading this (kudos to all of you who made it this far) 🙌🏿
Jokes aside, if we dive a bit deeper into both of the aforementioned statements (and really reflect inwardly within ourselves), I believe we’ll realize that it’s 100% true (with a money back guarantee too) 😉
How we choose to live our lives is ultimately in direct response to what it is that we choose to say yes and no to.
Here are some examples in which I believe the majority of us can relate to on some level (as far as what we are choosing to say ‘yes’ too):
- The specific industry it is in which we work professionally
- The location in the world in which we live
- The partner in whom we’re intimately in relationship with
- The foods in which we eat each day
- The time in which we go to bed in the evenings
- The cars that we drive
- The activities we do outside of work
I could go on all day (but again, I think you get my gist).
On the flip side (in order to add a little bit of ‘balance’ to this, 100% pun), whatever it is that we specifically honored as yeses above, we ultimately were saying no to whatever’s on the opposite end of said examples.
Here’s what I mean:
- By saying ‘yes’ to working in X industry, we are focusing more of our time and energy (at least for the particular period of time we’re in said industry) in the cultivation of that (which ultimately is saying ‘no’ to creating the same amount of time + attention towards another one, elsewhere)
- By choosing to live in Costa Rica (this is my personal example), I ultimately said ‘no’ to living in Austin, Texas (which is where I resided prior)
- By choosing to be with my lovely partner (shout out to Veera), I’ve ultimately chose not to be with anyone else (based on my personal values of how I choose to be in unionship)
Again, I could go on all day, but hopefully by now you may be experiencing some sense or insight on which (if any) areas within your life that you may be saying ‘yes’ to, which aren’t truly ‘full body’ yeses, that could be creating the experience of being out of alignment (on a boundary level).
Some of you may be wondering, what is a full-body yes?
Sorry, I’m not going to tell you, as that’s a teaser for the next writing.
Jokes aside again (and I apologize if you find it to be a pitiful one), a full body yes is an intimately personal experience that is unique to each and every individual.
As an example, have you ever been so pulled towards something that words couldn’t even truly do justice to how you felt inside of your body during said pull?
Maybe you felt a deep sense of openness in your chest or heart, a tingling in your fingers or toes, or even an indescribable warmth throughout your entire being.
How it appears for me is akin to a burst of instant excitement throughout my body (in the moment).
This can show up in ways that may seem as simple as:
- Thinking about or being asked if I’d like to attend my favorite restaurant, which usually coincides with high quality, healthy-nutrient dense food (shout out to Organico here in Costa Rica)
- Free-style writing, which is setting a timer and allowing whatever wants to creatively come out of me, to do just that (and really without any thought prior), which is presently what you’re reading at this time
- ‘Creation Journaling’ – which is writing out my deepest heart’s desires in the moment (this always leaves me feeling refreshed and very clear as to whether any pivots may need to be shifted, as far as my focus + attention)
- And being in deep 1:1 dialogue with my coaching clients (I’m highly curious by nature and love nothing else then to listen, ask questions, and support individuals in improving their lives)
These are just a few for me, but hopefully something comes up for you in ‘being’ with mine yourself.
What is it that instantly when you think about it or take the action of actually doing it, you always find yourself feeling more open and excited, with a distinct rise in your energy?
Those are a part of your ‘fully body’ yeses.
For even more of a description, you may check out this video of Diane Chapman, Co-Founder of the Conscious Leadership Group (a consultancy agency dedicated to helping leaders and their staffs create drama free work-cultures), being interviewed on the Tim Ferris Podcast (where she actually leads you through a 10-minute body awareness practice, so that you can better identify how the ‘whole body yes’ experience personally shows up for you).
Alrighty, so now we’ve talked about full body yeses (or rather ‘hell yeses’ for those who love even bolder language), but to balance this out and bring a bullseye as to the important symbiotic relationship to boundaries and living a balanced-happy life, let’s discuss the opposite.
What Unhealthy or Inconsistent Boundaries Look Like
We’re all also familiar with saying yes to aspects that truly aren’t or weren’t yeses for us.
Maybe in the moment our bodies contracted or were intelligently screaming to us that a proposed opportunity or activity was a ‘no’ (again in the moment), however we soon shifted from our own body intelligence (awareness) and began to intellectualize or compromise why we ‘should’ do something.
I mention the word ‘should,’ because anything we attach a label to as a ‘must’ or ‘should,’ can ultimately create the inward bodily experience of:
1. Stress (believe it or not, the distinct language we use when we verbally communicate to ourselves, either creates peace, compassion, and love, or on the flip side it creates anxiousness, self-judgment/criticism, or fear) – Now ask yourself, which area do you think continuously communicating to oneself that they ‘must’ or ‘should’ do something leans more towards? I think you know answer 😉
2. They are disempowering words, meaning they give off the energy of not fully having control of what one chooses to do (whereas the alternative, in being self-empowered creates the inward experience of having 100% total control of one’s life and how in which they create it
Here’s another personal example of a major shift that occurred for me, while being on the receiving end of my words (language) being reflected back to me in a session with one of my prior coaches JP Morgan (and no I’m not talking about the bank).
I came into the session feeling heavy and highly critical of myself.
Right off the bat I mentioned that I felt like I ‘should’ be doing more to give back in the world.
I shared how while I’m not one who’s big on labels, I feel as a black man who grew up without much of a father-figure throughout my teenage years (he passed a month after my 12th birthday), that I ‘had’ to do something to give back (based on where I saw myself in life at that present moment).
He sat with me and asked, “how does what you just said feel inside of your body?”
Admittedly, even before the question, I knew I was feeling a high sense of self-pressure, cocktailed with a dash of self-criticism too.
I felt heavy.
And my language at that time was in direct response to what was present with me inwardly (in that moment).
“Brandon, to me it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself for not doing something that you feel you ‘should’ be doing, is that right?” JP asked.
“Yea, of course I am, but I also feel like I’m warranted in feeling this way too.” I expressed back immediately.
At that time, what I was experiencing was guilt.
That guilt graduated into an energy centered around my ‘ego,’ rather than that of ‘love.’
Was there anything at all wrong with wanting to provide mentorship for teenagers or young men whose fathers weren’t present within their lives?
Not at all.
However, it was what was underneath that desire, and my relationship to it, that was creating the experience for me of feeling very heavy around it.
JP then asked me, “What would you love to create? Close your eyes and allow your heart to speak”
After sitting with my eyes gently closed, chest open, and arms relaxed on my thighs in silence for a few breaths (waiting for some spark or insight to appear in that slowed down space), just a few moments later something clicked for me.
What I really wanted to create was an even more positive impact in the lives of men who looked like me, and also could identify with feeling as if they were on an emotional island at times too.
An island where they felt, if they were being honest with themselves, that they were a bit of a black sheep or maverick.
Walking to the beat of their own drum, seeing and experiencing life on a deep and highly visceral level, while ultimately possessing a curious, open-minded, and lifelong learning mental disposition too.
Quite the shift that had occurred for me, just from the art of having someone create the space for me to truly transition out of my own head (while having my own personal words reflected back to me with love, rather than judgment).
An insight as to what I truly wanted (from the heart), in relation to what I thought I ‘should’ want (from the egoic part of my mind).
Fast forward to after that session, and I not only started to intentionally speak more deeply to, and supporting men around creating a more sustainable work-life balance (that over time continued to build their energy, rather than deplete it), ultimately slowdown first, in order to authentically speed up later (embodying a more peacefully productive, rather than ‘go go go’ a million miles an hour disposition), and learn and continue to cultivate the art of combining crystal clear communication with high levels of emotional intelligence (which enhanced not only their professional work relationships, but those even more deeper ones back home too).
I also came across and began supporting a non-profit organization, The Man In Me, both financially and with my time, who’s mission of ‘empowering healthy minority men to cultivate healthy families,’ was right up the exact alley of what I personally was desiring in the coaching session I mentioned earlier (though now the energy behind it was coming from a place of excitement and connection, rather than the heavy ‘should’ that previously was present for me then).
I feel very blessed because it’s also given me an opportunity to continue to grow and evolve within my own personal leadership, towards a cause that I feel can often be overlooked (being men’s mental health).
For those leaders whom I do support, rather that be in:
- enhancing their ability to openly communicate and create deeper cohesion in both their personal and professional relationships
- improving the depth, intimacy, and love within their romantic relationships
- up leveling their personal health by improving their overall energy and vitality (leading to a greater levels of mental peace)
- advancing professionally (fully embodying both qualities of being both highly-efficient, as well as peacefully-productive)
- or lastly, in growing their finances (through learning how to leverage their most unique skills or ‘Zone of Genius’, in order to bring their absolute best and most energetically aligned version more out into the world)
From these places I was able to see that these were the areas that brought a profound level of peace, happiness, and inner fulfillment within my own life.
That felt much lighter.
I felt much lighter.
And from that place, I was able to see that my language of using the words:
- Should
- Must
- Or Have
Were truly no longer serving me and my desire to continue creating the life that felt most deeply aligned to me.
I actually then wrote these words on a sheet of paper, stepped outside in the backyard, and then expressed gratitude for said words.
After expressing gratitude, I then shared that “I release these words from my vocabulary,” as I then proceeded to light the piece of paper on fire with a lit match.
As I watched the paper turn into ashes, I began feeling even more lighter.
I knew another shift had occurred inside of me.
I knew that moving forward, I would commit to the practice of creating strong boundaries, in order to fully honor living a life with more integrity, and by doing so, allowing the space for greater levels of self-actualization and purpose to shine through.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I feel strong boundaries are key to living a more peaceful, balanced, and overall happy life.
I send nothing but love to you in the continued creation of yours.
With Love,
Brandon