What is your Deepest Why? Here's How I Discovered Mine

So where shall I begin?

Well it all started on December 2nd, 1985 when I was born.

Ok, I won’t go back that far, but I will start in childhood.

From an early age I remember (albeit at the time unconscious) being both a super inquisitive kid, while at the same time very sensitive to stress.

In all authenticity, my childhood wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences for me.

One of my very first memories was coming home at the age of six to a house full of packed boxes.

Feeling startled and not sure of what was going on, I soon learned that my mother was packing up all of my father’s belongings and kicking him out of the house.

Just six months prior to then, my dad had spent a half year in Afghanistan as a part of the Army for the War in Desert Storm.

Without having any awareness of the meaning or emotions behind abandonment, I experienced plenty different versions of it throughout my early childhood.

To put some specificity to it, abandonment is defined in the Cambridge Dictionary as:

‘the act of leaving someone or something or of ending or stopping something, usually forever’

If I had to wrap my childhood up in one sentence it would be:

-       A consistent feeling of never feeling safe

At 5 years old my dad went to war, and I frequently didn’t see my mother due to her working many long evenings.

Upon his return home from war, my mother and him separated (where I didn’t even see or hear from him for several weeks after it).

Within a two-year span, my mother and I were evicted from 2 of our homes (leading us to staying with a friend of the family).

A couple years later at the age of 10 years young, I began experiencing excruciating migraine headaches anytime I would exercise or participate in physical sports.

After seeing several doctors and having multiple test ran (which always came back showing no abnormalities), I began feeling a sense of insecurity around being ‘different’ than all the other kids in the 5th grade.

Several times what was supposed to be a fun time at recess with the other classmates, would end in me yelling with eyes full of tears (as the excruciating migraines would often appear).

This pattern went on for nearly two years, until the age of 11 when I needed to be rushed to the emergency room for a lingering episode that wouldn’t go away (you can read the full story on this here).

A few hours later, in the emergency room, I found out I had a tumor the size of grapefruit in my lower abdomen.

A couple days later I was on an operating table having surgery, in order to remove said tumor from my body.

Within the surgery, it was found that a part of the tumor was attached to my left adrenal gland (the main gland in the body that regulates the production of cortisol…. the primary stress hormone within body).

Within said surgery my left adrenal was also completely removed.

For my non-physiology or anatomy inclined readers, our adrenals are two grape sized glands that sit on top of the kidneys and are responsible for monitoring and regulating all levels of stress throughout the entire body.

Rather physical (as in exercise), mental (mindset), or emotional (unexpressed feelings), anytime we are stressed, these hormones are activated and produce cortisol to try and recreate homeostasis in the body.

Cortisol also produces cortisone, which is anti-inflammatory.

Without a healthy ratio of production between these two, the body wouldn’t be able to self-regulate and heal itself.

It’s akin to being on high stress mode all the time, without any sense of relief in sight.

All that to say that by the tender age of 11 years young, I now only had access to one of these vital hormonal regulators.

This led me to being highly attuned and very sensitive to stress (but again, I had no conscious awareness of this then).

Rewind back a bit to experiencing some of the aspects that I mentioned above prior to this point too.

Parents divorcing, multiple home evictions, and the multiple years of excruciating migraines (which led to the surgery in the first place).

And all of this without any sense or awareness of proper outlets to reduce or relieve stress.

Meditation?

Yea…. That wasn’t a word or thing like it is nowadays.

Nutrition?

Hey, I, like many other kids growing up, ate the food that was purchased or passed down from the parents (in my case it was mostly fast and junk food).

Yoga?

I think you know the answer to this.

Journaling my emotions?

Yea, I think you know the answer to this one too.

I was a kid who morphed into a teenager, who then graduated into a young adult who was always living on high stress alert.

To rewind a bit back though, within five months of my surgery, my father passed away, just weeks after my 12th birthday.

Shortly after returning back to the states after his stint in Desert Storm, he started to experience health complications.

It began with lower back pain, which we soon after found out was the home of a cancerous tumor.

After multiple surgeries to remove it (only for it to return and his health to continue to deteriorate after chemotherapy), he was given 3 months to live (just after I myself had gone through a highly invasive surgery).

As I mentioned above, five months later he transitioned out of his physical body.

Me, still tenderly recuperating from my surgery a few months prior, didn’t know or understand what was happening on an emotional level (and how to actually process or communicate what I was feeling).

I essentially went numb.

I froze and tried to pretend like nothing happened.

Communicating to friends like it was just any other day or event.

Four months later I began junior high and the 7th grade.

The school was made up of grade levels 7-9, so I went from feeling somewhat ‘secure’ in being in the highest grade at my then elementary school, to being the new kid on the block, in now junior high.

Immediately, within the first week of school, I was bullied and made fun of by classmates.

The only thing was that I was bigger than most of the kids my same age, so on the surface, the site of being bullied by someone smaller or slightly bigger than me didn’t make much sense to the Assistant Principal (who had also previously been a Head Football Coach).

Even though I told him what was occurring with one particular guy in general, who I had gotten into multiple altercations with, he challenged me to be tough and stop being a wuss.

Yea, this was coming from the principal of the school.

Again, I didn’t feel safe.

I didn’t feel safe in my body, as even though I felt much better than I did before the surgery, I intuitively knew I wasn’t 100% (and at times when I did attempt to physically push myself athletically, I would experience pain).

I didn’t feel safe around other boys or men.

1.     My dad had just previously left me for no reason (that was my interpretation of it back then)

2.     Some/majority of my peers thought I was weird (hence the bullying and getting made fun of)

3.     And even the supposed elder and wiser man whom I felt would be a protector (aka the Principal), was essentially telling me that I was too soft

To his credit, he did tell the other boy, Ahmad was his name, to ease up on me.

How did I know this?

Because Ahmad shared with me that the principal told him to stop picking on a soft kid like myself.

Could Ahmad have been making this up?

Possibly.

But would you doubt me if I believed his words (based on what the principal had already communicated to me when I previously asked for help)?

So as you can tell, the ages from 11- 12.5 years old was a very interesting time period for me.

While I’m not finished telling the story yet, I can say I feel very grateful to even be sharing this with you today from a sense of openness (as I’m sure you can probably imagine, there were lots of emotions that needed to be seen and processed throughout the years to even be able to share this all with you now).

Let’s do a little fast forwarding all the way to my senior year of college.

No more migraines were present, but still not being aware of some of my sensitivities, I, like many other college kids, lived a lifestyle that probably wasn’t the most aligned to living optimally.

While I did exercise (shout out to all upper body weights, and no leg days), I primarily lived off of pizza and the Standard American Diet (or SAD for short).

In between this I developed a habit of heavy drinking (shout out to the liquor variety).

Vodka, dark rum, tequila, whiskey… you name it, I probably drank it.

Oh yea, I also began smoking cigarettes then too.

Which was interesting because I grew up hating them (through the lens of watching my dad smoke half a pack a day).

I remember them actually giving me headaches when I was younger, and being pissed at him for not choosing to stop, when I told him that they were the reason behind them (as they would frequently appear when he smoked around me).

Why do I mention all of this?

Because after having a body scan checkup done (which was something I had done twice a year after my original surgery, in order to ensure the tumor didn’t return), guess what happened?

I’ll give you a guess.

A mass had returned inside of my body.

However fortunately this time it was much much smaller (only about 10 cm’s, which is the size of a crayon).

However unfortunately this one also happened to be within centimeters of my aorta.

Are you familiar with the aorta?

The aorta is the largest valve that pumps blood from the heart throughout the body.

If anything pierces through that, it’s night night (and I’m not trying to say that lightly, but I think you get my drift).

“You gotta be kidding me I thought!”

“But I’m in good shape, I lift weights and work out like 5 days a week.”

Not knowing at the time that there was more to health than lifting weights, playing basketball, and eating a healthier diet (albeit with still a lot of grains and sugar).

Fortunately, the surgery was successful and the removal of the tumor near my aorta was completed with no complications.

I remember being very frustrated at this time because I felt (and knew to a certain degree) that I was living a much healthier lifestyle.

I was working out at my college’s recreation center nearly every day, I was doing meal prep for my foods throughout the week (shout out to chicken breast, white rice, and frozen veggies), and I was in really good shape physically.

I bring this up because I still was measuring health completely from a physical body standpoint during this time.

Now I’d like to fast forward five years after this point.

I then was working for the #1 valued sports franchise and brand in the entire world.

Making a healthy six figure income, in shape (both looking and feeling good), and honestly feeling as if I had ‘finally’ reached the mountaintop.

All of the collegiate studies, internships (in both college and in the sports industry), and hours spent perfecting my craft, I felt like I could finally relax and enjoy myself.

There was only one problem though.

I felt an immense amount of mental and emotional stress that I did my best to hide beneath the surface.

I had multimillion-dollar sales quotas, a mother who was beginning to experience serious complications with her health, and a passionately toxic intimate relationship that was requiring a lot of energy.

Here’s the thing though.

I had Noooooo outlet.

If you remember what I mentioned before, I didn’t trust men.

Therefore, I didn’t share any of what I was experiencing with anyone.

I just held onto it, afraid that I would look weak if I showed any face outside of the one that had been created in what I had built up to that point.

All of this stress kept mounting and mounting and mounting.

Until one day it popped.

I was frequently missing hours from work due to taking my mother to the hospital for different tests, my desire for my work was plummeting (even though just prior to this, I was having my best year financially… near the $200K mark in income), and the relationship I briefly spoke of, ended abruptly.

Shortly after this period I was barely able to get out of bed.

My entire nervous system was shot.

Between holding onto all of my emotions (with no outlet), wearing a mask of having everything under complete control (my ego tried it’s damnest to prevent me from opening the heart and being real for fear of everything crashing down), and the 60ish hours I was working each week (combined with the pressure I felt from not performing to the degree I felt I was capable of), left me feeling completely wiped out.

Oh yea, I also didn’t mention that I was addicted to coffee at the time too (drinking at least 2-3 large cups a day).

With that being said, I’ll let you in on a little secret..

When you only have one (1) adrenal gland hormone to regulate all stress in the body, it’s best to do everything in your power to build it up (treating it like an executive chef at a 5-star restaurant would each and every prepared meal from it).

I on the other hand was unconsciously treating mine like a Totino’s frozen pizza, thrown into the oven during the wee hours of the morning, after a long night of drinking.

What ensued shortly after this completely transformed my own awareness of the mind to body connection, and the important role it plays for not only being holistically vibrant and healthy, but more importantly from my own point of view, to tap into one’s fullest potential.

Without energy you show up differently.

Without having practices in place to slow down time and the mind, you show up differently.

Without having outlets to process, be with, and express emotions in a healthy way, you show up differently.

And what occurred over the next six months completely changed the trajectory of my entire life, as well as create a deeper understanding and relationship to my true “why.”

I began seeing a Naturopathic Doctor, which the short version of this would be a trained physician who views the entire body as being holistically connected, whose goal is to go deeper in identifying the root cause of certain imbalances, and treat them with natural foods, supplements, and other healing modalities.

I intuitively knew that I wanted to better understand what I was experiencing within my health, and how to hopefully restore it organically (without prescription drugs or medications, which I was already aware were only treating symptoms).

For the next 2.5 hours as I sat in her office, she thoroughly asked me questions as to my sleep patterns, food intake, alcohol consumption, stress levels, quality of friendships + intimate relationships, job satisfaction, and a multitude of other questions.

While I was intrigued by all of her questions, I also felt inwardly blocked (and I know she could pick this up), because deep down I had reached a point where I wasn’t fully divulging or sharing all of myself (choosing to hold certain aspects very close to my chest, for fear of how I’d perceive myself if I did share them).

I had busted my ass to get to where I was at professionally, and a deeper part of me knew it no longer felt as if what I was doing was serving me.

When she asked the question about job satisfaction I became defensive and didn’t expound on anything at all.

Ultimately while sitting in her office, even though I didn’t want to admit to it (and tried my best to hide it), I was depressed.

Seeing her, and being able to pick up on how empathic and sensitive she was, was really opening up all the things that I had been trying to stuff for so long.

It was like her presence created a safe space for my stuff to actually come out.

I was being (and most importantly), allowing myself to be fully seen.

Well not all the way, as I didn’t want to admit or discuss anything job related at the time.

After my time with her, I was a completely different man.

Words cannot express how much clearer, vibrant, and just overall energetic I felt after our several months of time together.

It was my first true experience of the mind-body connection, and I soon became absolutely obsessed with learning as much as I could about it.

While I had previously dabbled with meditation before, I began doing it every day.

While I had already been eating a ‘healthy’ nutritious plan, I started to study and learn about all the other ‘diets’ out there, as well as how certain foods that may be considered ‘healthy,’ others may be allergic or sensitive to.

With my new added energy, I soon came across the 16 Personalities test and became aware that I tested as an introvert (INFJ to be exact), and learned the importance of creating space as well as strong boundaries for myself because of that.

I then became aware of the terms ‘highly sensitive’ and ‘empath,’ and it began providing me with answers to different life questions that I previously had no awareness of too.

Things began to make crystal clear sense for me.

The constant fatigue, underling anxiety from always feeling both overwhelmed as well as overstimulated, and the amount of unexpressed pressure I had been putting on my shoulders from as early as I could remember, were all catalyst in the climax of me reaching that previous period of deep burnout (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually).

While still employed in my corporate career, I enrolled in a 9-month program with the Institute for the Psychology of Eating to not only learn even more of the nutritional science of food, but even more importantly how humans and different cultures relate to food.

My interest had completely shifted.

Around me I could see countless individuals who were stressed, burning the candle at both ends, experiencing poor sleeping habits, and who were emotionally stacking a lot on their shoulders (without any outlet of processing or expressing themselves too).

It then became clear as day to me that what I wanted was to support individuals on progressing forward within their lives, and tapping into their highest potential.

We all have blind spots (as I had become open and vulnerable enough to see the glimpses within my own, which was beautifully provided from the mirror that another held up for me to see).

I had experienced a massive transformation within my health.

I saw an area that gave me a tremendous amount of excitement and joy, as far as the possibility of helping others slow down (so that they could begin seeing those growth areas within themselves; which can be more easily seen when in the space of a peaceful, calm, and open presence).

And even though I felt very fortunate for what I had built professionally up until that point, deep within my heart I knew I could create a bigger impact in the world by supporting other sensitive leaders who may have felt out of place or whom were on the cusp of going through a major transition within their own lives too.

While this isn’t the entire story, as it continues to be created each and every day, it is enough to show you my personal why.

I often joke with others that I have a PHD in stress.

I know how it feels, looks, and tastes from a multitude of angles.

And I also know within every depth of my being, how to regulate it within my own highly sensitive body, which helps me truly see and help others create more awareness and life tools to do the same within theirs.

We’re all here to serve a purpose; in some shape, degree, or fashion.

Our highest potential is ours for the taking.

It’s a constant maneuvering of having a clear vision of what we truly want within our lives (not the surface level but deep wants), and being a ninja when it comes to creating the best individually ecosystem that leads up to living a balanced life of inner peace, personal fulfillment, purpose, and ultimately authentic happiness.

However none of these are outside of us, as it truly comes from who we’re ‘being,’ and how committed we are to living a life that is truly aligned to our highest dreams.

If we keep our focus there, while continuing to match that with the intentional actions that came from said attention, then we ultimately continue to bring our best selves forward.

Since the period of what all I’ve shared above, I’ve also completed certifications in yoga, mindfulness meditation, qigong, holistic nutrition, and have been coached or mentored by some of the most heart-centric, compassionate, and mission-based leaders that I’ve ever interacted with on the planet.

What I’ve learned and continue to up until this point of time (in which I honestly know will never change), is that life is a dance.

A dance that is best lived by clearing out all the noise and aspects that are not aligned to one’s highest essence, in order to create the space and room for that natural light and authentic power to shine through.

It’s my mission in life to support those who are truly ready to create a whole new relationship to their past as one of gratitude, so they can utilize their natural gifts to their highest degree, in order to create a life of high creativity, vibrant health, deep purpose, and authentic happiness.

If this is reaching you at a time where you’re tired of going at it alone and ready to slow down and deeply see what that life may look like for yourself, I invite you to reach out to me at brandon@brandonbennett.com or set up a Complimentary Discovery Call to discuss what receiving intentional coaching support may look like with me.

However, this is only for those who intrinsically know that there’s a deep place inside of them that desires to create a massively positive change in the world. Those who rather than stay inward in talking about it (or riding on the stationary treadmill of feeling stuck), they’re ready to take a leap forward in their lives, and fully begin to share themselves and identify or lean deeper into, their own unique personal missions of 'why' they are here on this beautiful planet.

With Love,

Brandon