Why Many Men Struggle Communicating Their Emotions
Have you ever expressed that you were sad, frustrated, or angry to another person (especially a man)? I mean truly verbalize it in the moment, and from a place of ‘responding,’ rather than ‘reacting?’
While the two words begin with the same letter, and at first glance may appear to have a similar meaning, there’s actually quite a distinct difference between the two.
When we ‘react’ to a situation, we are often overcome by strong emotions and impulsively make decisions in the moment (without taking a step back to allow ourselves to see the big picture).
To take it a step further, for certain emotionally charged occurrences (ones that activate a deep physiological response throughout our bodies), if we haven’t taken a mindful step back, and created a grounded awareness of what we’re inwardly experiencing in the present moment, then we’re more than likely to say or do something that we often regret, from either:
A. Reacting by blurting out words that aren’t communicated with love (and can be extremely hurtful to another)
Or
B. Muting or suppressing ourselves and not saying anything at all (causing us to build up layers of unexpressed frustration, leading to resentment)
However, on the flip side, when we do pause and take a couple deep breaths to re-center ourselves, then evaluate what would truly be most useful to communicate in the present moment, we are more readily able to intentionally choose how to ‘respond’ to certain situations (rather than unconsciously ‘react’).
It’s natural to contract or close ourselves off when we feel any emotions around fear (which is ultimately the opposite feeling of love).
Sadness is rooted in the fear of loss, disappointment, or discouragement.
Anger is rooted in stress, worry, or feeling unfairly attacked.
And both of these are often interchangeable, as one can often naturally lead onto the other.
The key is recognizing that there is something under the surface that needs to be expressed (like in the ‘Gottman Institute’s Anger Iceberg’ model below):
As mentioned above, these emotional states not only energetically contract us (causing one to feel stuck and frustrated), but they also (if not given the proper space or mechanisms to alleviate), can lead to elevated production levels of cortisol (stress hormone), which over time can lead to burnout (or the breaking down of one’s physical body)
And this doesn’t have anything to do with nutritional health, quality of sleep, work/life balance, or any of the other important quality of life metrics that are necessary to monitor (like in this Duke University’s Integrative Medicine “Wheel of Health” pictured here below):
The best thing we can do, when we find ourselves in the grip of certain difficult emotions, is to take a few deep breaths, reflect back on what it is that we’re feeling, and recognize that it’s a trigger or inner wound that just requires a little bit of TLC (tender, love, and care) in the moment. Shout out the 90s R&B group TLC too.
An example of this in my own personal life is that any time I would feel the emotion of sadness or hurt, I would instantly contract, create distance between myself and the person who triggered the emotion, and then I would sulk and often ruminate on why it was the other persons fault for how I was feeling (without often times ever communicating how I felt).
In the past I would create all these non-serving stories around the ‘why’ (which usually ended in blaming the other), then graduating into creating labels towards the other person or group as ignorant, impolite, insensitive, or any other words that would create more separation between myself and the other.
However, my approach to said emotions are completely different today.
If emotions of hurt or sadness now creep up (as well as anger), I instantly go inward, and ask myself these three questions instead:
1. “What emotion am I truly feeling in this moment?” As this truly helps to take a step back and identify what I’m experiencing in the present.
2. “What is underneath this emotion or feeling that I’m experiencing?” This allows me to reflect back on a previous time where I’ve felt the exact same emotion (in order to go deeper into what still could use a bit of TLC – shout out to you know who again).
And lastly…
3. “What is the lesson I’m being called forward to learn in this moment?” As this allows me to slow down even more and connect to God/Source/Sprit/Creator/Divine (or whoever the ‘God’ is of your experience) and open myself up even more, in order to create the space and allow the universal intelligence of love to pierce through.
So rather than deflecting and blaming the other person for whatever emotional experience I’m feeling, I take full responsibility for whatever sensations show up in the body, and express gratitude for the awareness of my inner peace being disturbed (which is ultimately just providing a unique opportunity to truly learn and grow forward from).
Often times it’s a deep childhood wound that usually just needs some tender love & care (no need for the you know what this time) to move forward. ;-)
After there’s been a genuine initial processing of the emotion, then and only then, shall a conversation be initiated with the other person involved.
For the basis of context, let’s assume it is someone whom you have a close relationship with (like an intimate partner or best friend), where you deep down know it would be useful to openly and authentically share yourself with.
At that point it’s easier to truly convey what you experienced (naturally providing the opportunity to be heard), and also (if necessary), it opens the possibility of creating a new boundary or agreement with the other person (in order to form a deeper understanding between both people, on what will or will not be tolerated, and further enhance the relationship on a foundational level).
However, the important aspect to take note of within this (from the very start), is the necessary awareness piece that goes deeper than just the surface of “pushing” past or altogether suppressing one’s emotions.
Whatever we bury in the dark, must be brought to the light in order to be transformed, leading to true inner healing.
Now back to the original question of if you’ve ever really verbalized the emotions of hurt, sadness, or fear to another (in the present moment)?
If you find yourself grimacing a bit and slightly nodding your head left and right, then I have a secret for you.
A secret that when honored and embraced from a place of self-love and forgiveness (rather than fear and judgement), creates an inner superpower that allows you to access even more of your own unique inner power.
What is it you may be thinking…
I’ll give you one guess.
Go ahead and give it a think before I answer.
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Still thinking?
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Done yet?
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Ok I’ll stop.
The answer is vulnerability.
Was that already on the tip of your tongue or are you a bit surprised to hear it?
Vulnerability is a strength and superpower, as it connects us deeper to ourselves and others.
Brene Brown successfully created one of the most viewed Ted Talks of-all time with over 52 million views a few years ago, discussing its power in greater detail. (If you haven’t already seen it, click here if you’d like check it out for yourself).
Now if you recognize that being vulnerable is not even close to one of your strengths, please don’t beat yourself up about it.
It’s not your fault.
I repeat – It is not your fault.
Alright, I’m glad we got that out of the way :- )
I do want you to ask yourself something though.
If you’re a man reading this, did your father ever model communicating his emotions to you in a vulnerable way?
A way that created a sense of safety and connectedness for you to feel comfortable in truly sharing your emotions too?
If so, the likelihood of you having issues around conveying your emotions effectively is likely to not be a major one. As it’s normal for us humans to emulate ourselves (rather consciously or unconsciously) after our earliest support system.
However if that isn’t the case, then please allow me to properly say congratulations, as you my friend are a unicorn :- )
I’d suggest for you to stop reading now, immediately give your father a call, and please express your deep love and appreciation to him, for modeling what it means to be man who exhibits a conscious, compassionate, and healthy expression of masculinity.
However if you’re on the fence of not being sure, or are curious as to what some of the qualities are of healthy masculine expression (and how they show up), here’s a few of the top ones to scan:
- Deep presence and listens without being distracted
- Doesn’t judge
- Creates a safe environment
- Doesn’t take things personally
- Is a guiding force, is both supportive and encouraging
- Has discipline and knows when to be focused
- Is a man of his word, honest, and accountable
- Is humble
- Has integrity
- Is of service and does what is in the highest good
- Is grounded
Upon reading those, did any of them personally jump out at you that are high potential areas of growth for yourself?
If so, congratulations again :- )
You my friend are human, as no one is perfect, allowing us all the opportunity to constantly evolve and bring intentional focus to the parts of ourselves where we may not be showing up as authentically.
Practice makes progress (rather than perfection) :- )
However, on the flip side, if you’re like the vast majority of men, and you found yourself with a scowl on your face (repetitively shaking your head ‘no,’ in relation to your father effectively embodying many of those qualities), then you probably didn’t have an older male model or mentor, of deep presence, who created a safe space for you to authentically ‘be’ and express yourself to.
If you’re feeling slightly discouraged after reading that, then allow me to repeat what I already said multiple times above, one more time.
This is not your fault.
And you know what, it’s not your father’s fault either (as he was truly doing the best that he could, given the cards that were dealt to him from his father).
If we go a layer even deeper, the definition of being ‘alpha’ or what it meant to be a man in earlier generations was mainly about two primary aspects over all others:
1. Never showing perceived weaknesses (always being cool, calm, and collected at all times)
2. Working and providing the financial means for oneself and immediate family (wife and kids)
If either wasn’t being done, there was oftentimes the judgement from society of not being man enough, weak, lazy, or the need to “toughen up and not be a pussy.”
Excuse my French, but I want to be as authentic as possible with it.
Our fathers, and grandfathers, and great-grandfathers didn’t have a model themselves on how to express their emotions, safely and without judgement.
Energetically, think about the amount of inward pressure this can add on to a man’s shoulders.
To have something that he’s feeling and maybe even desperately needs to express, but from a young age developing patterns in the brain of holding back or stuffing it.
This can often lead to angry outburst, depression, fights, and the temporary but cyclic numbing of said emotions with building addictions to alcohol, porn, workaholism, and sugary foods.
I can personally empathize because I’ve experienced all of these stages above, at one point or another myself:
- Periods ranging all the way back from early high school to my mid 20’s of using alcohol as a crutch in stuffing my emotions (at the time of writing this it’s been a month shy of two years since I’ve had a drink, you can read “Why I Stopped Drinking” here if it interested)
- A prior more than 15-year porn addiction (which started in my early elementary years – you can read more about “What I Learned After Giving Up Porn” here if you’d like)
- At points being so consumed with my work that I was working 60-70 hours a week, to the point of complete burnout and breaking down my physical health (here’s a pic and blog of where I discuss “How I Lost And Kept Off Over 50 Pounds of Weight”)
- And lastly, my relationship to food (sugar in general), used to be so off balance that anytime things weren’t on a smooth terrain within my career or relationships, I’d heavily lean on sugar to provide the dopamine high I needed to temporarily lift up my spirits
All of this again to say (for the final time), that it’s not your fault.
And all of what I mentioned above to say the same to myself, as it wasn’t my fault either.
I recognize with the clearest of eyes today that it was something underneath me that needed to be felt, embraced, and communicated first, in order to ever create the space for a new expansive possibility to appear.
A possibility that wasn’t fleeting (as in how one may feel when they’re motivated for a short period of time).
A possibility that’s not based on a one-time occurrence of expressing oneself (as true inner strength is built through the consistent practice in the opening of one’s heart, especially during the times when we feel most inclined to close).
A possibility that truly says ‘no’ to the quick and easy thought of overnight success, and ‘yes’ to embracing an approach of authentically creating the process of emotional expression as a lifestyle change.
As an opportunity to go deeper within oneself and allow the tears of sadness (as well as joy), the positive and healthy channeling of anger (as well as deep happiness), and the clarity of how frustration can be just a beautiful sign of our need to slow down, reflect on what it is that we truly want, and mindfully focus our attention on the process of a lifelong journey of continual growth and expansion (just by simply choosing to perceive it that way).
As we are whole and complete, from the moment we entered into this world, up until the moment when it’s our time to depart.
In the meantime, it’s our responsibility to be as loving, kind, and gentle with ourselves, as our peace of mind and the true quality of our lives is dependent upon it.
The more we are able to breath, reflect, and love ourselves no matter how we may feel in any given moment; the less our emotions control us, and the more we are able to acknowledge when we feel off.
The more we’re able to lovingly embrace the times when we feel ‘off,’ the more we’re still able to create a feeling of gratitude around it.
However, through it all, always remember…… you got this, always have and always will.
If this is reaching you in a place where you desire to lean more into a gentle and loving way of being with your emotions, and in a supportive and safe environment that can help you in the cultivation of a whole new foundation of how you show up and express yourself, within all of your relationships (both personal and professional), Click here to set up a Discovery Call.
In it, we’ll create a safe space for you to truly begin the process of safely ‘being’ with and expressing your emotions to another man, and we’ll also see if there’s a mutual fit in continuing to receive ongoing support in your life at this time.
As how we relate and communicate with others, is but a direct reflection of how we relate and communicate with ourselves.
With Love,
Brandon