What I Learned After Giving Up Porn
Train en route to Helsinki, Finland
The topic of porn is a very interesting one. It’s one of those polarizing words that can bring up a variety of emotions and thoughts. I remember being exposed to it for the first time around the age of 9. I was in my dad's closet and came across an unmarked VHS tape stuffed in a small box underneath a pile of clothes (clearly in a hidden position).
Just like any other inquiring minded child, I remember feeling a strong sense of excitement and curiosity to see what it contained. However at a deep subconscious level, I already had a sense of what it was going to be.
See it was around this pubescent age that I first started to notice my attraction to the opposite sex. There were just certain girls who I enjoyed being around and looking at more than others. There was the usual young boy's talk of “who’s the hottest girl in class,” but at that point there wasn’t a true understanding or sense of what all the physical act of intercourse entailed (at least for me).
Well that moment vividly changed shortly after coming across that tape, as what I witnessed not only aroused me physically, but also energetically, emotionally, and mentally too. While I couldn’t fully wrap my head around all the excitable emotions I was feeling at the time, I knew I wanted more of it. And plenty more of it I received.
This is my earliest linked memory to pornography.
What was once just a curiosity, turned into an insatiable desire, and graduated into an almost 15 year addiction throughout my teen and early adult years.
There’s many different timelines, breakdowns, and breakthroughs I experienced during that nearly decade and half span. However for simplicity, here I will break down the top 4 things I’ve personally experienced since completely giving up the habit nearly 6 years ago.
Reduced Anxiety and Improved Self Confidence
Throughout my teenage and early adult years I suffered with ongoing battles of underlying anxiety. A lot of this was actually rooted in early childhood memories, where I had issues with stuttering my words. I was on the receiving end of many jokes about this, and even though I tried to act as if they didn’t really bother me, I actually became very self-conscious to the point of going mute and just not speaking.
My brain processed information at a much faster speed than I could verbally communicate at times, and because of this I harbored a tremendous amount of nervous type energy.
Add the porn element to the mix, especially to a person who already embodies anxious energy, and your putting gasoline on a fire.
However when I stopped, one of the very first things I noticed was an improvement in my speech and less uncontrolled tension in my body. It was like I felt more in control of myself and energy, therefore I felt more authentically confident. Keyword being authentic.
In the past I may have faked a confident bravado, but it was merely a cover-up act for an insecure and anxious man who was just trying his best to prove and show the world that he had everything under control and belonged.
The longer I abstained, the more discipline I noticed and appreciated within myself, which overtime led to that same confidence and true sense of control growing.
2. A Genuine Appreciation for the Feminine
Without knowing it, continued porn watching had trained me to objectify women.
All the hardcore erotic scenes, focused attention on only their external features, and the countless illusory acts of intimacy, prompted me to embody the character in which I had grown more than accustomed to seeing.
A teenager and young adult who only thought there was one way to do it (hard and fast), only three areas to appreciate on a woman (two outside of her face), and it caused an inability for me to form healthy sexual relationships with women I was intimate with.
The endless variety of online genres and options to choose from, trained me to look at women as buffet options of sorts. Whatever appearance or style I was in the mood for was only a couple mouse clicks away.
Even as I became involved with other partners, at times I was more committed to watching porn than I was even to the relationship. On the surface I believe I came across as an all-around nice guy (which I was), but I had problems with unfaithfulness in nearly every single partner I had been with (before I gave up porn).
Fast forward to after I gave it up and my appreciation, as well as respect for all of the essences of femininity, took a complete turn for the better.
I understood there was more to attraction than just the physical, and I was no longer blocked from truly being able to not only see it, but embody the new character that could actually feel it at an intimate level too.
3. Heightened Awareness of Addictive Behaviors
Addictions can show up in many different ways. Most of us don’t like to admit to them and we usually don’t make a conscious choice to change them until something in our world comes crashing down, in order to finally prove to us that we need to put more attention to them.
Outside of porn, I’ve also overcome what I’d consider previously mild addictions to:
· Food (sugar and overeating)
· Alcohol (to the point of countless memory less blackout nights)
· Cigarettes (5 years)
· Caffeine (consistent 3-4 large cups a day of coffee or tea)
Now I must quantify what my definition of addiction is, which is:
“Anything that you become dependent upon that can have an adverse effect on your health and overall sense of control.”
I don’t hold this topic lightly, but do believe we all have certain vices or aspects in each and every one of our lives that it’s in our best interest to keep a watchful eye on.
For some that could be overworking or spending too much time exercising, while for others it could be more of a propensity to feeling attached to their cell phones or spending countless hours on social media.
Clearly, addictions can show up in many different forms.
However one aspect I feel very fortunate about for myself in overcoming a variety of them (especially porn), is the heightened ability to recognize behavioral patterns earlier then before, and make quicker adjustments then I used to.
As an example, as of writing this, I’ve gone over 18 months without any sort of caffeine.
I completely eliminated coffee years ago, as I realized it wasn’t the best for my body, however I substituted it with iced tea instead (much less potency). I recently noticed prior to completely removing it, that I went from at first consuming one cup of iced tea, all the way to consuming 3-4 large cups of it a day, over a two week period.
That may sound subtle, but being able to tap in and see the growing dependency I was forming, allowed me to break the habit before it gained even more control over me.
Will I continue this and not drink caffeine for the rest of my life? Who knows. But I’m appreciative of the awareness in seeing and altering an addictive behavior before it was able to fully form, and making the conscious choice to adjust on the fly, preventing a long standing habit from fully forming.
4. The True Power of the Mind to Body Connection
Frankly put, when I was watching porn and masturbating, I had no awareness of the subconscious mind and mental programming. I also just assumed it was a normal behavior that teenagers and men participated in, which stats show is a fairly accurate statement.
In 2017, one of the most popular online sites alone (one I’m intentionally choosing not to mention here to potentially add even more hits to it) received over 28.5 BILLION visits. That breaks down to over 78 million per day and a close to a mind numbing 1000 visits per second.
And again, that’s just ONE single site.
Personally for me, there were two things I noticed more vividly than others in how it affected me.
1. How I had developed a habit of masturbating as soon as I was triggered by certain emotions (usually anger or frustration, but sometimes sadness too)
2. The vast amount of energy that had become trapped in my genitals
What I mean by the latter part is that instead of energy free flowing throughout my body, it was as if I had no control over the constant sexual arousal I felt on a daily basis.
I had unknowingly trained my mind to form a habit of masturbating at certain times each day, and even especially when triggered by certain emotional responses.
An example would be playing video games. Sometimes if I wasn’t “winning” or playing up to my standard, I would get angry, and more times than not I would channel that anger into watching porn (if in the right place to do so).
It’s interesting because now when “lower” emotions appear, I consciously do my best to firstly feel them (without judgment), openly express them either to myself or another person, or sometimes I’ll immediately write them out in my journal (just to clear the head space).
Am I perfect? Absolutely not.
However I can genuinely say that I’m truly committed to approaching my feelings more openly, and with a compassionate grace that places me in a more loving, empowered, and self-controlled state of being.
If you can deeply relate to my story, or find yourself in the grip of this habit (with a genuine desire to create an alternative), here are five steps that were helpful for me in letting it go.
Learning what it does to the brain by watching this popular Ted Talk "The Great Porn Experiment," which has nearly 14M views
Notice your triggers (recognize what emotion or activity usually leads you to the act)
Set an intention on why it’s important for you to stop (a list of the aspects that you truly desire to create in your life - for me, one of the main ones was deeper connection and intimacy in all of my relationships)
Create a commitment to going without it for a set period (while remembering to remain gentle with yourself throughout, as stuff inevitably comes up)
Locate a support group (one of the most popular ones online is nofap.com)
If you still desire more personal attention after reading through these, you can also connect directly with me for a 30-minute Discovery Call. On it you can authentically share more of what's present for you right now, and I can share more with you more about how it looks to either receive one-on-one guidance from me, or within one of my online men's groups.
With Love,
Brandon