How to Stop Feeling Like You Should Be Farther in Life
We all have dreams and desires, as it’s a natural part of the beautiful experience of being a human.
As an example, if you’re reading this right now, it’s out of a sheer desire to do so, as why would you invest the time and put forth the effort if you didn’t?
Each and every one of us are essentially walking and talking billboards for what it is that we prioritize in creating within our lives.
I think it’s kind of cool when you think about it.
I find it to offer a refreshing outlook as to what we’re truly bringing forth in our life experiences, at each and every moment.
However, I haven’t always felt this way, and I deeply understand how it feels to live in the trap of “it’ll be enough when ________” or “I’ll be happy when _______ appears.”
Here’s the thing though. It’s an impossibility for that thought and way of perceiving life to manifest anything but ‘not enoughness.’
It’s a like a stationary treadmill that no matter how hard or fast you run, isn’t making any progress or steps forward.
The reason?
It’s simply due to the fact that true and authentic happiness is an inside job.
An inside job that at its core, has nothing to do with the outside world.
Deep happiness comes from feeling a state of gratitude for whatever it is that is being created or showing up in the present moment.
The very first inclination I could remember of this for myself was the perception I held of my body from as early as my late elementary years.
Starting in about the 5th grade, I began noticing more consciously how much bigger I was than most of the other kids (and was on the receiving end of jokes from it).
I used to negatively speak about myself, claiming I was fat and ugly.
I dreamed of being what I considered to be more in shape, or thinner.
I hid this from all of my friends and when I would bring it up to my mother, she’d often compassionately console me and say I was a good-looking kid (which even though I didn’t necessarily fully believe at the time myself), it still felt good to hear.
However, when my dad would hear of this type of talk or anything close to it, he would get upset or angry, oftentimes verbally dismissing me for even having such a thought.
I created this story that I would only be happy when I looked a certain way.
I compared myself to some of the other boys and I noticed that even though we’d often eat the same type of foods at the cafeteria for breakfast and lunch, I was clearly much larger than them.
“What did I do to deserve this?” I thought.
“You know what, I know how to solve this,” (a counter thought appearing to the first).
“The more active I am and sports I play, the more the weight will come off.”
That’s it.
Problem solved right?
I’ll lose some weight and will be happy.
However even while staying highly active each day during the school’s recesses, and participating in sporting activities outside of school, I still remained relatively the same size.
I kept pushing and pushing to lose weight, however coming at it from a slightly self-loathing disposition.
These insidious thoughts around body image continued all the way up until my high school years too.
I always felt a strong inner desire to be smaller.
I’d lift my shirt up and grab my belly, with a touch of disappointment.
I remember how self-conscious I felt taking my shirt off in the boy’s locker room, as I didn’t realize that the sharp judgement I held around my appearance was really but a figment of my own creative imagination.
I felt this inner tension and anxiousness that others perceived me exactly the same way that I had been seeing myself.
Quite a lot to carry from a young age you think?
However, things started to shift my senior year of high school.
I was then on the varsity basketball team, and between all the weights exercises, running, and two-a-day practices, I began losing an abundance of pounds off my body.
My body composition started to lean out, and my confidence began skyrocketing.
I received more attention from girls at school, and for the first time could see my abs when looking at myself shirtless in the mirror.
“I’ve made it!” I thought and sometimes cockily expressed to others.
But there was a problem.
What may that be you’re probably thinking?
The feeling I had was artificial.
As that was all that was innately possible, as my love for self was conditional.
While unconscious of this at the time, it took many other years of gaining and then losing, and then gaining weight again, for to me to finally recognize it with clarity ten years later (here’s a brief ‘body image’ post I made about it, after finally realizing what had been underneath it all).
I was an emotional rollercoaster whose happiness was attached to my physical appearance.
If my abs were showing, I’m good and happy.
If they weren’t and I was feeling heavy, the thought of being no good would return (and unhappiness with it).
What does this have to do with the title in the context of this article “How to Stop Feeling like you should be farther?” you may be thinking.
Everything.
Especially if you consider this story and how it may show up in other areas of one’s life.
Here are a few examples that once heard, I believe will offer a lightbulb as to whether any have ever resonated for you personally:
- I’ll be happy when I have more money or ______ amount of dollars in my bank account.
- I’ll be happy when I have attracted a romantic partner/wife/husband.
- I’ll be happy when I get that new promotion at work.
- I’ll be happy when I purchase my first (or a larger home).
- I”ll be happy when I relocate to a new city/state/country.
- I’ll be happy when _______ is (or is no longer) the president of the United States.
- I”ll be happy when or if my wife/husband becomes more _________.
Do you see the similarity in what I described above within all of these examples?
When our happiness is based on any conditions outside of ourselves, then it’s impossible for it to truly be authentic.
Authentic happiness comes from living in state of deep gratitude in the present moment.
Authentic happiness comes from honoring the true intentions of one’s heart and courageously choosing to lean into and embrace, love, as well as trust, that whatever appears throughout the journey of life, is but a stepping stone for a larger capacity of greatness to be embodied.
Authentic happiness is unapologetic love for oneself, no matter how they may appear, the amount of money in their bank account, their particular job status, or any other condition that creates the false illusion of “not enoughness.”
We are all here to shine bright.
To live a life of purpose and meaning.
To tap into the deepest desires of our hearts and continue to expand our capacity to love others, as we keep evolving in our ability to powerfully love ourselves.
God / Creator / Spirit / Universe / Buddha / Allah / Krishna / or whomever you refer to as the connector of all things in your personal compass of life, connects us all together.
Let’s remember that self-love for ourselves at all times is the ultimate healer of our lives.
And the more we honor this from a daily state of peace and grace, all we continue to become is the highest version of ourselves, that can bring forth and express what it is that our souls desire, while we’re still alive and breathing.
For life, and each and every moment which is created within it, is but a beautiful opportunity to be gentler with ourselves, consciously choosing to open our hearts, and continue powerfully pursuing what it is that we feel called forward to create in the world.
I leave you with this, in the words of one of most famous choruses of the late 90’s band Chumbawamba, on the song Tubthumping…
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down”
Keep staying up my friend… you got this, always have, and always will :- )
With much Love & Peace,
Brandon
🙏🏿💜