How to Completely Reverse Self Criticism
How we view and talk to ourselves on a day to day basis is one of the most precious gifts that each of us genuinely have control over. While always living in a state of positive bliss sounds nice and fluffy, the reality of the human experience is that we all have different inner battles that we must steadily monitor.
"Why is this happening again to me?"
"Why wasn't I born as smart/ attractive/ funny as ________?"
"As hard as I try, I'm just not good enough."
"If only I had _______, then I'd truly be happy."
We've all on some level had these exact same or similar thoughts creep into our psyches. However the longer we continue to imprint these words of "lack", the more we're at risk for these negative thoughts to become our day to day reality.We all are a culmination of what we think, eat, and drink. The brain and the body can only go as far as YOU are willing to take it. It truly is an inside job that can only be fully managed by the person who is the host.As someone who has a past history of dealing with low self-esteem and lack of confidence issues, I'm more than familiar with the toxic cycle that negative thoughts can truly have on ones overall health and mental sanity.It can eat away at your enjoyment for life and overtime even place a melancholic tint over activities that you know in the past brought you great pleasure.However if you do find yourself currently in or close to this state and want to begin the process of reversing it, here are three steps that over time will put you in the drivers seat of attracting those inner positive vibes.
1. Choose to be Compassionate
Easier said than done right? But trust me, this is the first step for a reason.When you find yourself thinking a negative thought, reframe it to one of self-compassion.Example:Change "I wish I didn't have to wake up so early" to instead "I'm grateful for a great night of rest and that today is a beautiful new day that I get to experience."Sound a bit too simplistic or cheesy? I know at first glance it may appear that way but I promise if practiced over time, it works.Here's one more example:Change "I hate my job" to "I love the fact that each and everyday I'm becoming more and more aware of who I am and what I value for work."Speaking the latter way not only puts you in a position of abundance and appreciation, but it also communicates to your brain at a cellular level that you are open as opposed to being resistant.Simply put, what we resists tends to persist. Or another way of saying it is "like attracts like." When we choose self compassion over self criticism, how we perceive ourselves and different life situations becomes more of a poetic dance as opposed to a chaotic scuffle.
2. Ask Yourself: Where is This Belief Coming From and is it Serving Me?
Once you've gotten into the consistent routine of reframing your negative thoughts, the next step is to ask yourself where is this thought actually coming from.Did this belief come from my parents, friends, or a past relationship? This is a good place to start. However some emotions and innate patterns that we harbor go much deeper than what we may even be consciously aware of.Our childhoods, specifically from the ages of 5 or 6 up until about 8 years of age are tremendously important times in each and every one of our lives. It's during this time where we first started to develop the conscious or logical side of our left brain. Up until this point, we were complete sponges and took on any and all stimuli, albeit without any conscious awareness of how to understand or fully interpret it at a linear or practical level.If we dealt with any major traumas during this period (that we still haven't mentally processed today), then those said emotions could be unconsciously driving many of our decisions today.As an example, I remember struggling with Math in the 1st grade. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't grasp learning addition and subtraction as effective as the vast majority of the other kids in my class.I remember coming in early before school and sometimes staying after to receive one-on-one tutoring of the subject. I already felt a bit "different" compared to the other kids because of this, as none of my immediate friends at the time needed any additional help outside of the normal class time. It also didn't help that I was made fun of by some of my schoolmates at the same time too.My Teacher was Ms. Hart and the school was Wallace Elementary. I remember telling her I was dumb and just not smart enough like the other kids, who understood it. I remember her vehemently saying the words "dumb" and "stupid" were forbidden in her classroom, as she continued to diligently assist me until I was able to progress forward in my learning and understanding.I bring this up because I had forgotten about this previous early childhood memory and it reared it's expression at various times in my adult life.Often times when I didn't understand something that other people seemed to grasp, I would either verbally or mentally call myself dumb or stupid. It was just an innate habit that I had mentally accepted then, which was on showcase anytime an opportunity of not fully grasping something that most others did.However when I later realized that the actual origin of those negative thoughts came from a time before I was even 7 years old, I began to recognize the pattern and release myself from that made up belief that was given to me by my other peers.Sometimes the only way for us to catch certain behavioral patterns is to be present enough to sit still with ourselves to recognize our non serving thoughts. We then can either release them right away by incorporating more positive serving ones, or if we need to (for strongly attached ones), we can search for its early childhood root, in order to effectively pull the weed from your garden.
3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
I admit, this is another tough one. In the world of social media, it can sometimes feel like an illusory mental billboard of how everyone outside of yourself is living on cloud nine EVERY single day. It can almost make you feel inferior to others or like you're just not enough."What am I doing with my life?"This thought, which can intrinsically creep up from time to time, is actually normal and healthy when used to check in with oneself and form plans in order to take appropriate action. However when it becomes obsessive, due to all the advertising or social imprints cast on us incessantly throughout the day, it's then time to reground ourselves back into self love.When we truly love ourselves, we recognize that we're perfectly imperfect, just the way we are. We hold ourselves valuable and choose to focus our energy on the traits that make us individually unique.Comparison can actually be a beautiful thing, when used in the proper dosage. If you see someone who has abilities or skills in which you admire and want to embody for yourself, there energetic expression may provide a spark of motivation for you to take action and leap forward in your own endeavors.However there's a very fine line between admiration and adulation, and one spending too much time in the latter can lead to an inferiority complex.Best advice I can give is to firstly acknowledge if this is a vice that you may find yourself falling prey to, as awareness is key to making any tangible behavioral change.Secondly, focus on the beautiful qualities and traits that you fully appreciate about yourself. Don't be modest either. Genuinely list all the things you absolutely love about yourself and place it somewhere easily accessible (think a night stand or on the wall in the closet).Read over the list you made twice a day (right when you wake up in the morning and just before bedtime) to play as a reminder of the awesomeness that you already embody.It takes 21 days to form a new habit. So remember to choose love and compassion, over hate and criticism. To choose positive beliefs about yourself, over negative ones that were never yours to begin. And choose to focus and cherish the beauty of what you do have, rather than come from a place of lack and over concern about what others do.
With Love,
Brandon