How to Create Healthy Boundaries (and Stick to Them)
Manuel Antonio Beach, Costa Rica
Recently I was in a session with a client where he expressed a deep desire to create more ‘balance’ within his life.
Balance has been a word that’s come up quite frequently within our sessions (as well as with many others whom I’m in dialogue with), so I’ve decided to write a bit more around this topic.
The western world can move at a rhythm that overtime can burnout the most well-intentioned person.
There’s obviously work responsibilities, intimate time with one’s spouse/partner, and then there’s the whole kids’ piece too (which I personally don’t have any yet, but am able to vicariously live through others experiences whom I’m in frequent dialogue who do).
It can oftentimes feel like one is suffocating from the sheer amount of tasks that are needed to be done on a daily to due list.
Not only that, but when times of true respite or ‘nothingness’ are created, many people don’t even know how to be fully present and relaxed during those periods too.
“I should be working.”
“I need to do _______. Maybe I should just add this to my already overflowing schedule.”
“I wish I had enough time for ____, but I can barely manage what I have now.”
Can you personally feel any resonance with these above statements?
If you’ve answered yes, then congratulations, you’re a normal human being living in the western world.
I’d like to also raise my hand here myself, as I recently needed to check myself (with love) and re-prioritize what’s truly important to me.
Keyword being prioritize.
One of my favorite sayings is “you create what you prioritize.”
There really is no other way of communicating it, as it’s clear as day that that is the foundation of creating anything tangible.
Alright so back to myself and the specific areas where I’ve needed to call myself forward.
Here are some that I’ve recently noticed an inner sense of frustration and slippage around (as far as my commitment to myself).
1. Studying Spanish
2. Utilizing a financial budgeting system/program that I paid thousands of dollars last year to receive support from a Coach around it
3. My YouTube watching habits
Let’s start with Spanish.
At the time of writing this it’s been just over 7 months since I’ve been living in Costa Rica.
One of the intentions I made prior to the move was to be diligent in studying Spanish each day.
Within the first week of being in the country I can say I honestly was, as I hired a teacher to meet with face-to-face each week, to receive additional support around this intention.
For the first two months I did a good job of not only seeing said teacher each week, but also consistently studying the homework that was given to me for 15-20 minutes per day (in between sessions).
While I struggled at the beginning, I soon began noticing that my Spanish was improving.
I had begun even writing e-mails/text to a Puerto Rican friend, as well as a client of mine in Europe (who’s originally from Argentina).
It felt good to actively speak in the language, and do so with others whom I already have relationships with, outside of the country of their native tongue.
So, you might be thinking…. what happened?
After a trip back to Texas to visit family, my whole study routine and habit started to fall to the wayside.
I still continued seeing my maestro (teacher), but I no longer prioritized the daily studying that I had before.
“My work load is much different than it was the first two months.”
“I don’t have enough time to do it.”
“I’m a visual learner and he’s just sending me text documents to study.”
These were all the excuses I was actively shuffling between within my psyche.
I’d like to get back to this in a bit, but now I’d like to share the 2nd nugget I mentioned regarding finances.
As an entrepreneur I’ve needed to get real comfortable with the fact that there is no such thing as a bi-weekly paycheck.
Having worked and received an income check every two weeks for 16 years (age 14 to 30), the number 1 adjustment I’ve needed to cultivate over the years of being on my own is budgeting my income over longer periods of time.
As much as I would love to say I have the same number of clients every single month, that wouldn’t be authentic if I did.
At some points I’ve worked with upwards of eight (8) 1:1 clients, while other times I’ve had 1 or 2.
At some points I’ve had multiple groups that I’ve facilitated and received monthly income from, at other times I’ve gone months without sniffing a new client or dollar.
While I used to judge myself profusely around this when I first began coaching, it wasn’t until I actually began hiring other coaches a bit further advanced than myself, whom shared with me it’s very normal to have waves/tides of income intervals throughout the year.
“Wheeeww… Ok I’m not a failure” I thought.
Jokes aside, last year, I was recommended the book Profit First by one of my coaches.
After reading it my mind was blown.
I immediately shared what I had come across with my partner, so that we both could be on the same page as far as our finances go (and the need to create a more intricate system around allocating them).
I then came across a Coach, Amber Dugger, who created a financial system for service-based coaches and entrepreneurs, called Profit For Keeps.
Perfect! I thought.
After connecting with her I decided to purchase not only her online program, but also to receive additional support for five months by her and her community.
The program at the time was $2,500 (now it’s nearly $10,000), and while that may or may not sound like much to others, for me (having not spent any money on a financial budgeting platform before), a part of me underneath felt uncomfortable spending it.
However, my vision for the future, far outweighed my subtle but real fear in the moment, so I decided to move forward on it.
I followed the program tooth and nail for close to a month, but then it fell to the wayside after going on vacation last year (shout out to Sedona, Arizona).
Do you happen to see a rhythm or pattern here?
For both occasions I’ve brought up, my habits have taken a turn once returning back from travels.
After arriving back from Sedona there was an intentional effort put towards cultivating all that was necessary in order to effectively relocate abroad to Costa Rica.
So, guess what happened, I no longer prioritized the program and it fell to the wayside.
Several months removed and in the middle of a client session, I was reminded through the mirror of him (of how I was out of alignment with my words and in ‘prioritizing’ something that I communicated as being very important to me).
This particular client has a finance background and when I communicated with him last year that I was considering moving forward on the program, he emphatically suggested (maybe even harder than suggested) that I stop stalling and move forward on it.
This may sound weird to some (a paying client essentially pushing me forward), but the type of relationships I create with them are ones where there’s a deep understanding and respect from the start that if they authentically see something in me, to please communicate it.
I look at my relationships with clients as a co-creative partnership (not a hierarchical or dictator like empire).
And lastly, to add a button on top of the two areas where my commitment wavered, I’ve recently noticed my YouTube consumption had again taken another upwards peak (past a level that I feel comfortable intermixing with it).
It wasn’t as if I was on there watching meaningless videos (as the majority were of the self-help or motivational variety), but nevertheless I did notice a trend beginning to reappear.
For me it’s more about an opportunity cost.
If I spend X amount of time doing something, that leaves Y amount of time throughout the day for something else.
I also notice two correlations that tend to frequently happen when my YouTube consumption starts to creep up.
1. The time I spend reading books inversely goes down
2. Subtle habits of pulling up the app first thing in the AM may start to creep in
I’m at my most peaceful and productive state when I go to sleep with my phone on Airplane Mode + Do Not Disturb.
When I then wake up in the AM after an efficient night of sleep and then go through my daily practices (which usually includes gratitude, prayer, journaling, affirmations, and meditation… with a sprinkle a yoga a few times too), I feel much more at ease and in flow (rather than invading my psyche with hits of stimulation from videos and comments to start the day).
It’s a cyclic pattern that I’ve noticed throughout the years, that while I’ve created a tremendous amount of growth and intentionality around… I find it's one that I still need to very much monitor at times.
And rather than beat myself up about it (which I’ve l continued to learn, truly serves no purpose), I wanted to bring you into this present element within how this is showing up in my life at this time.
So, after all of this you’re probably wondering… “Ok, so what did you do?”
Well you’re in luck, because I’m about to tell you ;- )
I created a 30-Day experiment (I like to use the word “experiment” over “challenge,” as I recognize the vibration of the latter really doesn’t personally serve me anymore). If interested in the “why” behind that, here’s a short video sharing the exact reason.
So, what does this experiment entail?
The following:
1. Studying of Spanish for a minimum of 15 minutes a day (everyday)
2. Studying and implement my new financial/budgeting system for 20-minutes a day (everyday)
3. Deletion of the YouTube app off of my phone (the only time I use it on my phone is to upload personal videos to my own channel)
After grounding into this ‘experiment,’ I instantly noticed a release of tension in my body within a few days.
A couple days prior to its creation, I journaled about the bigger ‘why’ to the reason I’m doing it.
1. To truly speak the Spanish language fluently by the end of the 2022
2. To truly create an even deeper measurable system for my finances
3. To focus more of my time on my own content creation, rather than crowding my mind (especially first thing in the AM) with an abundance of information that overtime may throw me off my own balanced center
So why only 30-days on the experiment you may be asking?
I find that I personally operate better in shorter project intervals.
As an example, another area where I’ve tried this is with alcohol, when I first ‘experimented’ with giving it up for 30 days.
That 30 days then graduated into 90 days.
Which then was followed half a year.
And then that ‘experiment’ led to giving a full calendar year a try.
Now to this day it’s been nearly 27 months (over 2 years) since my last adult beverage and it was something that really felt effortlessly to me, after the first month (you can read more of the top 5 things I learned most after not drinking any here).
Why do I mention this?
Because it’s important to find what personally works for yourself when it comes to creating your own life system.
As someone who’s committed to self-mastery, I find the most useful way in honoring that, is by being open enough (and loving enough) to not only call myself forward, but to be surrounded by other men (whom I receive support from), clients (whom I support but who also have free reign in calling me forward if they deem necessary), and a friend who sees me deeply and is open to share what they may be seeing within me too.
Sometimes maybe it aligns, and other times it doesn’t (which is totally fine).
However, what I’ve personally found to be more useful as a man, is not treating my partner as my go-to Therapist.
This specifically goes out to all the men who are in committed unions…
It’s not your partners or wife’s responsibility to be your emotional regulator (or shoulder to vent to all the time).
The polarity between the masculine and feminine takes a hit, whenever the feminine needs to always be the listening ear for “our stuff.”
It takes them out of their own openness and feminine core, while at the same time diminishes sexual attraction (over prolonged periods of time).
I’ll be speaking more about this at another point, but to wrap things up, I invite you to personally reflect back on if anything came up for you (as far as wavering commitments), through the extension of me sharing some of my own.
If something indeed is showing up for you, don’t stuff it.
Write it down and truly ‘be’ with it.
Ask yourself why it’s truly important to create something different around it, and get really clear on what the true aim is on the other side of said commitment.
There’s no need at all to self-ridicule or judge yourself during this time, as again, that only creates more inner tension and frustration.
Now you simply have the power to observe it, digest it, and mindfully choose anew.
The choice is truly yours.
With Love,
Brandon