Why Not to Trust your Thoughts When in Low Mood
Post yoga in the backyard - Atenas, Costa Rica
We’ve all experienced it before.
A period of time where we just felt ‘off.’
Maybe we weren’t even able to fully wrap our finger around it, but we know we just weren’t operating from a centered or balanced place.
Maybe we feel exhausted from having an over-scheduled calendar without much or any time for true respite throughout the day.
Maybe that building exhaustion has graduated into a daily experience of feeling overtaxed, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Our body craves quietness and relaxation, but our minds are full and overactive.
The longer this particular rhythm goes on, usually the more our ‘energy’ bank is depleted.
I like to compare an ‘energy bank’ to that of an ATM machine.
Just like money is accumulated over time, our available energy works the exact same way.
When we’re doing activities that we love, those of which we notice provide us a sense of feeling authentically aligned, excited, and purposeful; we experience certain levels of joy (leveling up our energy bank).
However, when we’re in the latter, doing things that instead of building our energy actually depletes it, we feel more tired, lethargic, ‘heady,’ and overall our mood is low.
When our mood is low, our thoughts naturally reflect this inner state too.
However, on the flip side, while in a higher mood, some thoughts don’t even have the capacity to occur.
In this state we’re just enjoying ourselves and the expansion that we feel inside every cell, fiber, and crevice of our being.
Time goes by effortlessly, and even if we’ve had a long day at work, by the end of it, we still feel a sense of balance and calm.
I know some of you are wondering or maybe even thinking, it’s an impossibility to live like that consistently.
And to be honest, I used to wholeheartedly feel the exact same way too.
For many many years (actually the vast majority of my life), I was unconsciously addicted to hustle and stress.
I didn’t know how to slow down.
That term was meaningless to me.
“It’s all about being highly productive and efficient, and that comes from hard work!”
How many of you can relate to that statement within your own life either at this time or another?
However, in my experience, guess what that thought actually creates?
An overabundance of feeling exhausted, tired, and guess what.. a low overall mood.
And guess what else occurs while in that mood; more non-serving thoughts that appear around fear, comparison, anxiousness, and lack of self-worth.
A couple years ago, my partner and I were going through a really tough time.
I was so consumed with my work, that I made time for nothing else.
Not only that, I was overextending myself as far as my daily rhythm was concerned too.
Even though I had certain mindfulness-based practices to start each day, it was like as soon as I began work shortly afterwards, I had a no turn-off switch.
Didn’t matter how tired I was, I “pushed” myself to keep on going.
“You got this Brandon…keep pushing!”
For lunch I would scarf down some food as quick as I could, just so I could get back to the different work tasks at hand.
I’d be sitting in front of my laptop for hours on end, without any breaks or “me” time created during the day in between.
By wrap up time in the evening, I was absolutely wiped out.
Mentally, emotionally, physically.
Exhausted.
My mood was low.
This low mood led to continuing thoughts that my partner was a distraction to me.
I had no sense of balance within my own energy tank, so there was nothing left over to put forth into the relationship.
We both had reached a point where it almost felt as if we were roommates.
No intimacy.
No kisses or hugging.
No sense of excitement to be around one another.
Nothing.
This over time continued to build and build and build.
From an exhausted place, my thoughts began to roam.
“Is this what my life is all about?”
“Maybe it’s not meant for me to be in a committed partnership, as work is clearly my top priority.”
“I’m just not good at relationships.”
“If she was more _______, then life would be easier.”
All of these thoughts were coming from a low mood state.
Instead of focusing any attention on the aspects that I loved about our relationship, I was so consumed with what wasn’t working (and had been ruminating on it for so long), to the point that that was all I could see.
Shortly after this time I checked into a silent retreat for 4-days, only bringing a stack of books, my journal, a yoga mat, and a couple changes of clothes with me.
All of my technology was completely off (cell phone, Macbook, Kindle) and left either at home or in my locked glove box for the entire four days of solitude (you can read more in depth about this experience in The Power of Slowing Down).
During this time, I was able to see as clear as day, just how many thoughts I had perusing through my brain.
It felt like a faucet fully turned to high, with no stops or gaps in between.
I was so glued to technology and the rigid habits that I had built around it, that I wasn’t able to fully see the role or part I played in what had been going on within our relationship.
After about a day and a half of zero electronics time, my mind (and especially my body) started to become very very still.
I could sense the settling of my nervous system.
While I hadn’t drank coffee in years prior to this point, (and believed my nervous system was balanced from this piece alone), I didn’t see my blind spot of being overstimulated from the sheer onslaught of time spent both on my computer and social media (shout out to YouTube).
As I began re-centering into a more calm, open, and relaxed disposition, I began noticing my mind begin to naturally focus on a litany of opportunities to create a new way and rhythm to my whole entire life (including my personal health, professional work, and within my relationship).
I began reflecting on what it was that I truly wanted.
I began focusing on what I felt would create more harmony within my relationship.
I began writing out the boundaries that I would need to re-commit to, in order to prioritize my mental, physical, emotional, and relational health.
I was able to really see and honor myself as a Highly Sensitive Man (and share my lifelong story around it).
I began seeing how the rhythm that I was trying to create my life from at that time, truly was no longer serving me.
The super long hours, back to back to back client sessions and conversations (with hardly any gaps of time between), and having no sense of a foundation within myself (and personal boundaries), was creating the exact environment on an unconscious ‘agreements’ level within my relationship.
But those four days of respite proved to truly be transformational for me.
I came home feeling fully recharged and revitalized, while also prepared to share my reflections and the new possibilities I could see being created within our relationship moving forward.
During this time, we created agreements such as:
- Every Wednesday is date night (no cell phones past 6PM, and the rest of the evening enjoying good food, games, and a movie)
- One of the weekend days is solely for us and cultivating quality time with one another (shout out to The 5 Love Languages book), this is usually on Sundays
- She agreed to read two books around high sensitivity (The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love) as well as watch a couple documentaries with me that dove deeper into the qualities and traits of it, so she could better understand me (which we ended up discussing at length afterwards)
- We created an agreement of no cell phones at the dinner table
- We created an agreement that both our phones go to airplane mode/off by 9P
- We agreed to no laptops in the bed
- I agreed to honor a daily rhythm that prioritized space, as well as my health and well-being first, so that I could bring that energy more mindfully and consistently out into the world (our relationship included)
These aren’t all the agreements that we made (and to this day it’s still a working document), yet we still have ongoing discussions on a week to bi-weekly basis on what is and isn’t working, in order to see if there’s anything that needs to be shifted.
I now personally honor myself and find setting boundaries much easier.
I know how to say no from a grounded place, while allowing the other persons reaction or experience of it, to be whatever it is for them (without judgement).
Why do I mention all this?
Just to show how quickly different aspects can change whenever we allow the room and space for them to do so.
How one can go from feeling absolutely stuck within a habitual rhythm, to creating something completely new and revitalizing, just by honoring and embracing the absolute power of slowing down.
Sometimes when we’re so caught up in the head space, we fail to see the opportunities that are right there in front of us.
We can create this image or belief that it must be “hard work” to change, or that “we just don’t have enough time.”
Frankly put, these are just excuses.
You create what you prioritize.
I repeat, you create what you prioritize.
If something is important enough for you, then you’ll make the time and effort to bring it to life.
However even within saying that, the key is to not beat yourself up about it, if you do indeed find yourself in a place where you truly feel that what you’re doing is no longer working.
Simply close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, creating a subtle sense of stillness inside of your body.
From that place, allow yourself to just “be” for a moment, rather than feeling the need to “do” anything.
Visualize or even look at something that creates a sense of openness and love within your heart (rather it be a tree, the ocean, an inspiring painting, or anything that comes up for you).
And from this intentional “being,” allow your mind and heart to focus on what it is that you would truly love.
As by doing so, even if just for a few seconds, you’re creating the awareness, as well as possibility, for more of it to appear.
If this is reaching you at a time where you know deep within your heart, that the rhythm or speed you’ve been moving at is truly no longer serving you, and you have a desire to recreate one that serves more of your future vision and what you’d love to create in your life, let’s slow down and talk.
In the essence of honoring my own rhythm, I create space for two (2) complimentary one-hour clarity sessions per week.
If you’re at a place where you genuinely feel it could serve you at this time, I invite you to set one up with me here.
However, there’s three requirements for our time together:
1. To be in a completely non-distracted and uninterrupted space for the entire hour
2. To turn off all electronic devices during this period (e-mail, text messages, phone)
3. Bring a curious mind, a willingness to explore, and openness for an insight that can completely transform your entire life (in just one conversation)
And lastly, to know that YOU got this.
I repeat, YOU got this.
You always have and always will.
You are powerful beyond what words can even express.
Know that, believe that, and recognize that your life can change for the better in an instant.
The choice, is simply yours.
With Love,
Brandon