How to Mindfully Let Go of Resentment
Enjoying some fresh air and sunshine at Manuel Antonio Beach (Costa Rica)
Resentment is an emotion that we all can identify with at some point or another, within the human experience.
For us men, we may even be able to relate with it to an even deeper degree than women, as oftentimes there’s more of a propensity for guys to hold onto their emotions or how they truly feel, rather than maturely express themselves.
This can lead to resentment showing up in multitude of ways.
Rather it be in the creating of a cold shoulder towards a close friend or family member (when certain actions or words are conveyed that may trigger an uncomfortable emotion inside of us), a professional colleague or peer (when the perception of unfairness or inequality is stroked), or maybe it shows up most frequently with one significant other (from the lack of expressing ones true needs or setting clear boundaries).
I recognize this as an area that I have needed to put the microscope on myself, in order to:
1. Go deeper and see what’s underneath it
2. Gain clarity around how to create a healthier relationship around it
After going inward and examining many interactions or patterns of how the emotion of resentment has been created within my own personal life, I realize the root of how it has shown up for me each time.
It’s when I’ve felt like something is being done that is either unfair or malicious, where I’ve first felt the triggered emotion of sadness or anger.
What happens is that when the sadness is not truly felt, embraced, and then expressed in some way, it then tilts into anger after a period of time (or vice versa).
And when anger isn’t expressed, it builds into a brooding resentment.
So with that in mind, here’s a way of clearly recognizing an emotion, as well as how to effectively release built up tension around it:
Recognize what happens in your body when your peace is disturbed
Ex: When _____ said _____ to me, I notice a tightness in my throat/chest
Stay with the emotion from a place of non-judgement
Ex: I notice that I feel hurt/angry right now, and you know what, that’s perfectly fine
Take a few deep belly breaths in the moment, while still observing whatever sensations you feel in the body (this creates less and less tension, melting away the stress response)
Once you are able to maturely see the emotion that is elicited, as well as see the other person as not being responsible for how it appeared within you (but more as a mirror for it appearing in yourself) – then (if necessary), verbalize how you feel/felt to them
Here’s how to express how you feel either in the moment, or later on when you’ve created a bit of space for you to more mindfully express yourself:
Hey (person’s name), I’d like to share something with you, would you be open for me to share it with you?
(if they say ‘yes,’ proceed below)
I feel/felt (emotion) when you did/said (blank). I recognize that what came up for me was an uncomfortable feeling of not being heard by you when I expressed something. This reminded me of how when I was little, how I felt my (parent/sibling/teacher) didn’t listen to me. I would then get frustrated and hold onto it without expressing myself.
This act does two things:
It takes complete responsibility for the emotion that you felt (remember, people are just beautiful mirrors for our own stuff)
It creates understanding and deep intimacy with the other person, through the art of authentic communication
Is it easy?
Starting out, it definitely may not be.
It’s dependent upon one’s relationship to being ‘right’ or placing ‘blame’ upon the other person.
A client of mine recently said that he gets angry every time he washes dishes, as his wife makes comments around them not being clean enough or to a certain standard.
This usually immediately leads to back and forth arguments where then previous stuff may come up that doesn’t have anything to do with the dishes.
I asked him how he felt right before he became angry, and he said he didn’t know, but was sure he was angry.
I asked how do you know you were angry? As in where do you feel it in your body?
He took a few moments to reflect.
He then mentioned that he feels like a punch directly to the chest.
After continuing to create dialogue and awareness around this, he mentioned that he remembers feeling the same way when he was younger and his mom would make derogatory comments that he would indeed take personally.
I mentioned how his wife was just a beautiful mirror to disturb his peace, so that he can go deeper and heal this area within himself.
By choosing to be compassionate and loving towards ourselves, rather than hyper critical or judgmental towards another, is how we begin the healing journey of authentically feeling and expressing how we feel IN the moment.
I asked him how may this may be showing up with not only your wife, but in your career, friendships, and within your family too.
He paused again.
He then looked at me with a stunned face and mentioned how this has just always been his reaction.
He mentioned how he got it from his father, who he said has always been hot tempered (even more so than him).
Within this session we worked on creating body cues in how to recognize not only when these emotions show up, but how to breathe through them and speak loving and compassionate thoughts to himself.
Then, once out of the deep grip of the emotion, to either communicate verbally how he felt (rather to the person or just to himself), so that he can then make a conscious decision to create more of a grounded connection and choice in how he would choose to navigate from that point.
This, in itself, while it may sound simple on the surface, is the work that often many men need in order to move beyond feeling stuck in within their lives (albeit professionally within their careers or intimate relationships).
To take a stand in getting off of the proverbial treadmill where they recognize another book, podcast, or documentary (while helpful), tends to only add more knowledge to the intellect.
However, it’s through the continual ‘experience’ of being with the emotion (INthe moment), while choosing to fully see it, as well as embrace the bodily sensations that are appearing (IN the moment) from it.
As when consciously cultivated over time, it creates the space and possibility to effortlessly respond in a more healthy authentically aligned way.
This over time creates a heightened awareness to one’s internal state, and through the intentional actions from it, alters every cell in the body on a physiological level (leading to inner expansion and elevation to another stage or level in ones life).
Again though, please do remember this vitally important piece again…
It’s about the ‘experience’ of truly being with the emotions (as a casual and non-judgmental observer).
As when this step and process truly becomes an embodied experience, then one develops deeper nervous system strength, and is able to ‘be with’ EVERY emotion (IN the moment), while choosing to respond more consciously, and in alignment to one’s authentic truth.
If you've found yourself deeply relating to many of the parts in which I shared above (to the point where you not only feel truly seen and understood, but also feel a burning desire to proactively move forward on it too), then I invite you to 'trust' that inner nudge and what it may be communicating to you at this time.
Also, if you feel an even deeper desire to proactively slow down and create sustainable change around this piece, then I invite you set up a Complimentary Discovery Call with myself to connect more intentionally.
On the call I’ll personally walk you through the experience of not only fully expressing and 'being' with your emotions in the moment, but also the step-by-step process on how to set boundaries and mindfully communicate your needs, so that you can feel lighter and in greater alignment with your most authentic self too.
As at the end of the day, the more men who are highly in tune and aware of all of their emotions, the greater the potential power they have available to harness.
And when this power is truly put forth into the world from a place of deep focus and presence (matched with intentional actions), then not only the individuals life is enhanced, but that of every other man and the collective whole of the planet too.
As when the tide of the water rises, all boats rise.
With much Peace & Love,
Brandon
🙏🏿 💜