How to handle Disagreements Effectively

How does your nervous system handle disagreements?

Do you naturally go inward to reflect or outward to act?

Do you deflect and blame or do you pay close attention to what sensations you may be experiencing within your body first?

Or does even the thought around this feel pretty foreign to you?

I’ve found that in a world where the average person has between 50-60,000 thoughts per day, one’s answers to the aforementioned questions above is paramount to their inner state of mental and emotional well-being (as well as how quickly they can recover when thrown off balance).

Typically, in my experience I notice there’s often two immediate responses that one frequently identifies with:

1.     That of immediately going into victim mode or blaming others when their inner peace is disturbed. Outwardly ‘reacting’ in an impulsive way or combative way

Or

2.   That of going completely internal and staying there. Mentally ruminating while creating narratives or stories that place themselves as being right and others as not truly being capable of being any different than how they may perceive them

The first often leads from a burst of potential energy, rather this be anger, fear, or sadness, that is masked behind an emotionally charged impulsive type reaction, which if brought forth from a place of closed-offness or contraction, often creates even more separation between the party in which one is communicating towards.

However, the second takes this same potential energy and completely internalizes it in hopes that the other party will naturally understand them and make the necessary changes in order for the same situation to ‘hopefully’ not occur again.

This latter way can lead to more of a brooding disposition or heavier internal state of being, due to all of that potential energy only being circulated inwardly.

Either that, or the outlet can often be in the more unhealthy and addictive variety of funneling towards numbing out with food (sugar), alcohol, marijuana, porn/sex, increased social media usage, or gossiping to others behind one's back (to name a few).

Can you relate to any of this?

Do you find yourself more frequently leaning towards one response more than the other?

If this does resonate, I’d like to slow things down and share a bit more on what’s at the root of this, as well as a process to powerfully support you in creating more of a healthy relationship to disagreements.

Let’s start with a recent personal story of how I myself went through this in the context of a friend of mine, and how we were both able to mutually create a completely new relationship around it.

A friend of mine here in Costa Rica whom I met through my wife, was at our home with his wife for dinner one evening a few weeks back.

This would be about the 3rd – 4th time we’ve all hung out with one another since our paths intertwined earlier this year.

After the very first dinner together, I reached out to the gentleman to see if he’d be open to have breakfast or a smoothie one morning in the coming week, just to connect more on a 1:1 level and without our significant others present.

After agreeing for such, we went to one of the local restaurants here and chatted for a bit.

During the conversation, they made a remark around something that I had communicated in reference to the particular style of the nutritional plan (I’m not a fan of using the word diet) that I have found works best for my own mental and physical well-being.

Upon hearing their disapproving opinion (which I didn’t necessarily request or ask for advice around), I immediately felt an increase in my heartbeat and a tightness within the center of my chest.

After noticing this internal response, I immediately went on the defense (as my body’s way of interpreting his words was that he was attacking me).

I communicated that I was pretty sure that I know what foods work well for my body and that there isn’t one way of eating that is 100% correct for a planet of over 8 billion people.

He communicated his truth and then we departed from the restaurant to go about the rest of our days.

I felt a clear uptick within my nervous system as I arrived back home.

Tightness in the chest, as well as an elevated heart rate.

In preparation for the remainder of my day, I sat on my armchair in front of my desk, and closed my eyes as I continued to breathe deeply.

The intention was that of resettling both my mind and body, in order to bring full presence to my next work task at hand.

After a few minutes of doing such, I felt the relaxing of my breath and re-balancing of my body.

Fast forward to last month and while hosting this same gentleman and his wife for dinner at our place for the first time, within 5 minutes of being in our home, I noticed the same internal experience of my chest becoming tight and breath shallower.

This occurred instantly after they communicated about something that I “needed” to do in my outdoor office (again unprompted).

I explained to them that the set-up has worked really for me for over the past two plus years, so I didn’t necessarily think it was needed to make the change that they communicated I should.

Noticing a clear tightness within my stomach, my heart beating out of my chest, and my breathing no longer coming from the belly, I was able to see in that moment that the thing I needed the most was to re-regulate my nervous system (again).

As we continued to communicate and head towards the dinette table for dinner, I brought complete attention towards my breath.

Slowly inhaling from the base of my belly, all through the entire front of my chest and shoulders on the exhale.

The goal?

To settle down the sensations I was feeling within my body, through the intentional elevating of my oxygen, in order to bring full presence back to the moment, and ultimately not add any fire or communicate something that could shift the whole mood of the entire group.

After a few minutes of sitting up straight at the table, with my legs now more open the normal, and my hands relaxed with my fingertips gently touching in the center of my lap, the previous uncomfortable sensations faded away.

We all went on to have dinner and play games afterwards, which ultimately ended in a beautiful night of great food, lots of laughs, and plenty of good vibes heading into the weekend.

The next morning, I had a journal session in which I brought the contracted experience into my writing, from a place of what I like to call “Curious Reflective Writing.”

What this means is to bring forth a current disturbance that may be very present or top of mind from a recent experience, with the intention of gaining clarity as to:

1.   What emotions I’m actually experiencing around it?

2.   What event or circumstance occurred right before those emotions were felt?

3.   What is the learning opportunity for me to take away from it?

In this particular dynamic, as I reflectively wrote on what had occurred the prior night, I became aware of the pattern within myself of becoming upset or internally disturbed when I feel like I’m being told what to do without there being any request or question asked as a courtesy prior.

I noticed this same theme showing up within my marriage at times as well as within certain instances within my family too.

If someone asks me if I’d like to do something, then I feel like I’m given a fair chance of saying yes or no.

However, when I’m being told what to do and it feels to me as if it’s coming from a place of force or non-openness to what it is that I want, then I have continuously experienced what I’ve described above.

I was able to identify that at its root, I had the experience of consistently being told what to do from my mother (often without any requests or questions), to which my response was often to verbally fight back with what it was that I wanted or how things were unfair.

I had a similar experience when it came to my father as well, however at times when I would impulsively communicate that I didn’t want to do something (oftentimes in a condescending way), I was met by “physical” force.

As I continued writing out what I noticed within my body the night prior (a closing of the chest, increased heart rate, and a slight constriction of the throat), as well as the emotions in which I felt (anger and frustration), I then sat with these in order to fully allow the depth of the experience to be acknowledged and heard.

I notice that this in itself can really diffuse the energy around the response and allow even greater space to see what (if any) new options or possibilities exist around ways to move forward from it.

Seeing this theme within myself ever more clearly, I then asked the question.

“What is the learning opportunity for this, and what, if anything, am I being asked to step into for my own inner growth?”

What instantly came up for me was the usefulness around creating a conversation with my friend, in order to share with him my perspective around a couple of our interactions, and from that, make a proactive request of what it is that I would like moving forward.

The thought was twofold:

1.   It would create an even deeper understanding for not only him of me, but me of him as well (as I would invite him to share his perspective after I shared mine)

2.   Rather than continue to create non-serving stories, narratives, or internal judgements of him and why he’s “wrong” (which ultimately could create even more possible separation between us), I would take 100% responsibility for all of my emotional experience. This would hopefully neutralize any adversarial language that may come across as me “blaming” him for anything

As we arrived at the coffee shop, sat down, and ordered our smoothies from the waiter, I then began to speak.

“Hey (Friends Name), with your permission I’d like to share something with you around a couple of different experiences I’ve had when we’ve hung out with one another. My intention is to openly communicate what they are and why I feel it’s important for me to share them, as well as hear your perspective and see if we can complete the dialogue with a better understanding of one another. Are you cool with that?”

“For sure Brandon, what’s up.”

“Earlier in the week when you and your wife came over for dinner, I noticed I became frustrated and angry after a remark you made when I showed you my outdoor office. When I pointed at the desk and shared that essentially that’s where my laptop is for the workday, you immediately said that the desk was too low and that I needed put something on it in order for my eyesight to be level with the laptop. I then proceeded to tell you that it actually works fine for me and that it’s been in the same position for over 2 years, to which you replied that it’s not healthy for me and that I should put something on top of the desk so that the computer could be raised higher.”

“Do you recall this?”

“Yea, I do.”

“Well when you said this to me, I interpreted it as you unsolicitedly telling me that I needed to do something that on my own end, felt fine and non-needed.”

I continued on.

“I notice this same inward experience occurring for me whenever V (my wife) or others communicate to me in a similar way. I’m not saying it’s wrong, however it’s just something that I’m clearly able to see, which I recognize doesn’t work for me. Does that make sense?”

“Yea man, to be honest I didn’t mean anything by it. I just saw your desk and immediately communicated what my thoughts were, after you shared that that’s where you place your laptop and often work from.”

“It’s actually interesting to hear you say this though, because it’s been something that has been communicated to me by others as well… but maybe not in this kind of way.”

“What do you mean, I asked?”

“Well the times that I can recall something similar being communicated to me is usually with a loud and confrontational tone, which I often immediately become defensive by. It usually leads to a charged back-and-forth argument.”

“How do you feel right now?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He replied.

“I mean what’s coming up for you in how I’m sharing this with you?” I replied back.

“I actually feel really good, I like your way of communicating this to me, as it doesn’t feel like you’re blaming me at all for anything. I actually feel really calm.”

“I’m glad you feel that way, as again I take 100% responsibility for my own emotional experience, and recognize for myself, that the only way to move forward in my learning around this particular dynamic, is to openly communicate with the other person… especially if that person and myself will continually come into frequent contact with one another.”

I continued.

“Also, I care about you and want to continue to develop a friendship, so I feel like the best way to do so is to share all of this with you so that we can hopefully be on the same page. Does that make sense?”

“Yea I totally get it Brandon.”

“Good deal. With that being said, I’d like to make a request. Are you open to hear it?”

“For sure, what is it?”

“Moving forward, if there’s something that you feel that I need or should be doing, would you mind asking me first if I’m open for a suggestion or feedback around whatever is coming up for you?”

“Yea, I can try my best to remember that, as again it’s not even something I’m doing on purpose, it’s kind of been just my communication style.” He replied.

“Yea I totally understand what you’re saying, however in the same breath, if I weren’t to communicate this to you, and just go on expecting things to be different, then there wouldn’t be any possibility of any change at all. Does that make sense to you?”

“Yea I’m following what you’re saying,” he replied.

I continued.

“Maybe this provides an opportunity here within our friendship, to try and communicate differently. And not from a place of needing to be perfect, but more so from a place of awareness, in which we now both have in a clearer way of one another.”

“I’m 100% with you. I really do appreciate your way of bringing this to me and just your ability to communicate around it,” he replied.

I then dropped him off at his car, which was at my place, we hugged, and went on with the rest of our days.

A week later we were out at a restaurant with a group of 10-15 friends and new acquaintances.

After sitting down next to one another and conversing for a few minutes, he then communicated that he had something he’d like to ask me to do, and if I’d be open for hearing him out.

We both laughed as I smiled and said thank you for asking first, and of course, let’s hear it.

He then proceeded to share a suggestion he had for me around a new phone app he recently launched and how he felt I could help him out with something around it, if I wanted.

I received what he was sharing in a completely different (and aligned way), as we continued to speak on it while enjoying the rest of our evening with friends together :- )

Have you yourself ever experienced something like this before, meaning a sense of clear, direct, and proactively compassionate communication towards another person with whom you may have a disagreement with?

In my experience, this used to be a major blind spot within myself.

Not only that, it was causing repetitive inner friction towards those whom I had the closest relationships with.

Rather on a personal or professional level, this model of relating to another wasn’t something I had any experience with growing up.

My parents (rest in spirit to both of them), separated when I was six years young.

Some of my earliest memories were of them shouting towards one another.

Either that, or my dad holding onto unprocessed emotions, to which I was able to learn later (on my own journey of emotional awareness), I unconsciously could feel and adopted two behaviors from within myself:

1.     To suppress my own emotions (ultimately not ever voicing how I truly felt – essentially allowing the uncomfortable emotions like fear, sadness, or anger to unknowingly circulate throughout my body – in a non-healthy way). Remember what I mentioned around the addictive or numbing out behaviors of over-consuming food (sugar), alcohol, marijuana, porn/sex, increasing social media usage, and gossiping to others behind one's back? Yea, so I used to be that person.

Or

2.   To have an episode where I would blow up verbally, when it got to a point where my inner system felt overloaded (aka too heavy to hold onto the emotions any longer)

Now I want to be clear that I’m not judging either of my parents.

I’m compassionate to them for this, and recognize that they ultimately did the absolute best that they could (given where they may have been on their own inner journeys at that time).

However, the only way for a new ancestral or genetic blueprint for myself and potentially future generations to occur (at least in a healthy way), is to start being the change in which I desire to see (and committing to firstly doing so, 100% internally within myself).

Why do I bring all of this up?

Because in full transparency this is one of main areas that I see many people experience great challenges with.

Rather it’s a spouse who struggles with the consistent suppression of their emotions, leading to disconnection with their partners, including frequent emotional bouts that feel like an internal tug of war, which then over time graduates to a feeling of being helpless as they keep experiencing the same thing over and over and over again, without a real clue on how to resolve it.

Or maybe it’s on the professional side from a business executive who doesn’t get along with another peer of theirs within the same organization. Maybe they’re in the middle of rigid or egoic stories that place all the blame outside of themselves (which often leads to a temporary relief of their inner emotional disturbances at times). However, they notice an overall lingering feeling of not ever feeling safe or heard, choosing to “just let it slide” in order to “not rock the boat” by staying mute. This leads to lessened levels of health, vitality, and in their ability to truly connect or relate to their staffs in an inspiring and meaningful way.

Can you relate to any of these?

If so, please know that you’re not alone.

Emotional awareness and healthy communication skills are of exceptional importance in the world we live in today.

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, it’s paramount to not only the consistent health of the relationship, but also the capacity in how the unionship can ultimately evolve and thrive.

If you’re an executive or entrepreneur who’s leading a team of employees, it’s crucial to be able to model a way of communicating that genuinely invites others to truly feel safe, heard, and seen by you (otherwise you’re limiting the impact you’re making as a leader, as well as the overall sense of productivity and connection on a culture level, that is possible for your organization).

Or if you’re someone who wants to former deeper relationships with your friends and family, on a level that allows you and your needs to be seen, heard, and better understood, then this may be a unique time to prioritize slowing down, in order to reflect and take inventory as to the areas that you sense are right there at your fingertips, as far as tapping into your next level of growth.

Simply put:

1.   Recognize that whatever disturbs your inner peace on an emotional level, is 100% yours to own

2.   If you want to change the relationship you have with someone (rather professional or intimate), start with creating the change within yourself first (which will lead to you showing up differently in how you think, approach, and respond in whatever the dynamic is)

3.   Be relentless in seeing EVERY opportunity as a learning experience and gift on the path of personal growth (which is where professional growth ALWAYS starts from)

4.   Question everything… question your beliefs and where they came from (and if they are in alignment to where it is you ultimately desire to go). Question the stories or narratives you may be rehearsing over and over again as facts for yourself, as the belief in them being facts may be just the thing that is keeping you from your next level of expansion

5.   If this is reaching you at a time where you’re tired of spinning your wheels alone and are ready to look closer (on a microscopic level) into some of the limiting beliefs that may be just the thing that is leading to the repetition of certain patterns or themes on a communicative level, then let me know

I’ve been there and recognize on a very real level, what hanging out there for longer periods of time can create in one’s experience of life and their well-being within it.

My mission is to assist those who are driven enough to have big visions as to what they truly want within their lives, are lifelong learners (who have an insatiable appetite for inner growth), and they are proactive in seeking out opportunities that may assist them in the pursuit of living and fully embodying the lives of their dreams.

If you resonate with this and rather than take in more outward information (aka Google, Instagram, YouTube, etc;), you feel inspired to go inward (where your own body intelligence and wisdom resides), then I invite you to email me at brandon@brandonbennett.com with the answers to the following five (5) questions:

1.   What’s the BIGGEST vision you have for yourself and life?

2.   What excites you the most about this?

3.   Why is it important to you?

4.   What do you need the most to bring your vision into reality?

5.   When it comes to fear, what's been the biggest area of your life up to this point, that you've looked fear right in the face and still chose to progress forward (an area where you recognize that what you desired on the other end was so strong, that you showed up anyway)?

That’s it.

Send these and I’ll be back in touch.

Again, this is only for those who are truly open to the possibility of creating a WHOLE NEW version of themselves that is in greater alignment to their BIG DREAMS (I’m talking about the ones that reside deep inside of you, that you’ve more than likely haven’t shared with a soul). The ones that you may not even be fully clear on, but have had memorable glimpses of it, to the point that you know there would need to be a substantially necessary inner change, in order for you to fully LIVE and bring it forth. And even in knowing that, as well as the naturally occurring fears that bubble up to the surface inside of your body (when the initial burst of inspiration subsides), you still feel so connected to tapping into the highest level of your own human potential, that you say GAME ON.

As that thing that you may think is “In the Way,’ is actually “The Way.” And the level of courage and unapologetic love you have for yourself along the path, directly correlates to the depth of authenticity in how you show up, and the capacity of being able to sustainable process that vision, within the essence of your WHOLE entire being.

With Love,

Brandon