How To Go From Suppressing To Expressing All Emotions as a Man

I’d like to share a story with you about a kid I know.

This kid shared with me that one of his very first memories is him coming home at sunset, after spending all day playing outside with friends.

He was 6 years old and to his surprise, upon entering he was met with cardboard boxes full of items spread throughout the entire front living and dining areas of his residence.

Startled, he panned over to his mother to see a scowl on her face, as she roughly placed different belongings from one box to another.

“Mom, what’s going on?” The kid asked in a confused voice.

“Your dad is moving out,” she said unabashedly.

“Why?! What for??” The kid shouted back in a quick rebuttal.

“That’s none of your business, now get out of the way so I can finish packing up his stuff.”

Still confused and now anxious, the kid went to the backroom where he was met by his dad sitting on the bed, slowly packing up t-shirts in one of the many boxes that were stacked around the outskirts of the bed.

“Dad, what’s going on?! Where are you going?”

The kid now more visibly upset.

“Your mom’s kicking me out, she doesn’t love me anymore.” He said in a defeated tone.

The kid was in shock. His earlier confusion had now turned into a state of sadness.

“Why for dad??” He asked.

“I don’t know son, why don’t you go in the other room and ask her, as I’d love to know.” His father said matter of factly.

The kids sadness then turned into a touch of anger.

He ran into the other room to now find his mom passionately taping up the full boxes she was organizing when he first arrived.

“Mom, why are you kicking dad out?!”

“I told you son, mind your own business.”

“Tell me why though, he said he doesn’t even know why!” The kid said in a forceful tone.

“Your dad knows exactly why.” She rebutted back quickly.

“Now get out of the way, there’s still a lot of packing left to do.”

“Why don’t you love him anymore mom, why would you just kick him out of the house?!”

Tired of his meddling, she no longer entertained him with a response.

The kid went back into the room with his father.

“She said you know exactly why.”

The kids heart began beating more frantically, as he felt scared of his father leaving him again.

Just one year prior, his dad left the country for six whole months.

As he gave a last hug to his father, he was told that he would be going to some place far away in the Middle East to help fight a war for the U.S.

The kid didn’t understand why at the time, and remembered missing his father dearly.

Often asking his mother when he’d be coming back home, to which he found her reply to be vaguely open an unclear.

“I told you I don’t know son; your mother is throwing me out on the streets for no reason.” His dad now responded, doubling down on the exact statement he had previously made.

The kid could see and feel the sadness in his father’s eyes.

He stayed in the room to console him.

“Where are you going to go live dad?”

“I don’t know son, I still need to figure that out.” He said in an exhausted tone.

Though he didn’t know it at the time, the kid felt abandoned.

He was confused as to why his father left him before to go to some war, and now he was confused again as to why his father would be leaving him again for what he perceived to be no reason at all.

“What did I do wrong?” He internally thought.

“Does he not love me; does he not want to be around me?”

“Why does he keep leaving me?”

These thoughts perused around in his psyche for many sleepless nights.

Now, several weeks removed from his father and that memorable night of separation between his mom and dad, he hadn’t seen his father once.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why doesn’t he want to hang out or see me?”

While again unconscious of it, the underlying emotions of abandonment were now filtering deeply into his emotional and physiological body.

Fast forward six years later and he was now at the funeral of his father.

Having just celebrated his 12th birthday the month prior, he now watched as the casket of his father, who had just turned 40 years old two months prior himself, was closed for the last time.

The kid was numb.

For the years the leading up to this moment, he had watched his dad’s health rapidly decline after returning home from the war.

While cancer was the main culprit and cause of death, at that time the kid also felt as if his dad may have passed from a broken heart too.

Since his parents separation, anytime they were together he would often bring up his mother and how much he loved her.

The kid just listened, and for years hoped they would get back together, but his mom each time would answer with an emphatic no, at any point the question was asked.

This kid went on to play sports at a highly competitive level in high school (plus a year of college ball too).

He dated many different women during and post college, and had built up a successful six-figure corporate career.

On the surface he had everything in order.

Big group of friends, great job, great income, and he often heard how much of a success and inspiration he was to others.

There was only one problem though.

Though the kid was now a man (as far as adult years ago), he was still processing emotions on the level of a young child.

Anytime there was any discord within his relationships (intimate, personal, and professional), he just suppressed it.

He didn’t know how to effectively understand and feel his emotions fully.

He would freeze anytime he was hurt by the words or actions of another. Often choosing the path of going mute, as he unconsciously felt so much tightness in his chest, to the point of being incapable of expressing anything in the moment.

He would have angry outburst any time he would drink alcohol (a pattern that began in as early as his high school years and proceeded well through college and subsequent years after).

Since he wasn’t consciously aware of what he was experiencing, he had no reference to communicate it with others.

Sure, sometimes he talked about how he felt with people he was really close to, but it was always the other persons fault.

“_______ (insert name)  did ___ and they made me feel angry.”

“If _____ didn’t do ____, then I wouldn’t be mad at them.”

He never acknowledged the emotion of sadness.

It was either anger or happiness, and nothing in between.

This showed up deeply in his intimate relationships too.

It didn’t matter the difference of the partner; the results were always the same.

Happiness, joking, and play while in a good mood.

Quietness and brooding when frustrated or sad.

And outburst when the suppressed frustration and sadness (which overtime turned into deep resentment) ignited into anger.

Unconsciously, this pattern went on for many many years.

It wasn’t until this kid began doing yoga and meditating at the age of 28 years old, that he started to become aware of certain patterns that were showing up for him around his ability to truly feel and express his authentic emotions.

He then joined a group therapy program centered on intimate and authentic communication, which was about developing awareness within the body (in the moment) as to how different emotions appeared, and sharing those with a group full of strangers.

This was exceptionally uncomfortable to him and for weeks he was only able to communicate what he “thought” from his head, rather than what he “felt” in his body, on an emotional level.

Having experienced the release of tears during some of his yoga practices, he then proceeded to go study the art behind it, which he learned how its movements can unlodge stored emotions throughout the body.

He felt much lighter.

There was something shifting for him in his ability to see, feel, and truly acknowledge (as well as take personal responsibility) the barrage of all of his emotions.

He then became consciously aware that certain strong patterns of abandonment from his early childhood years, played a major role in his habitual response to different stressors, as well as potential discords in different relationships.

He had a deep underlying fear of being left and alone (as this had shown up for him in his earlier years, before he could truly understand it).

However now, he was fully aware of this illusory belief, and through his acknowledgement of it, was actively on the journey of healing it.

He could now also be present and openly love, as well as embrace the bodily sensations that felt similar to how he felt during that period (now nearly 30 years ago).

He also recognized that the reason he didn’t feel comfortable expressing his emotions, was because he didn’t have a male model who exhibited that for themselves.

His father only showed emotions of happiness or anger, and never communicated when he felt fear or sadness.

On top of that, anytime his father was angry at the boy, he made it the boy’s fault and not his own.

So the boy just went on to model his father’s behaviors.

Any time he felt anger, it was the other persons fault.

Anytime he felt sadness, he did his best to numb it.

For years this showed up in a multitude of ways.

From subtle addictions oscillating between food (of the sugar and junk variety), porn, sex, alcohol, and cigarettes.

His mind was now blown, as he could consciously see where certain lifelong patterns had originated from and was mindfully aware of how to create a new relationship to them.

He now no longer consumes food of the junk variety, gave up a nearly 15-year porn addiction over 7 years ago, is in a loving and committed relationship with his beautiful Life Partner, hasn’t drank a sip of alcohol in over 15-months, and had his last cigarette nearly 7 years ago too (after a consistent 4-5-year daily habit).

Why does he mention all of this?

What’s the point?

Because I am that little kid and the man who speaks directly to you from a deep experiential level, as to what’s possible.

That same boy who felt emotionally frustrated and lost for many years, now not only fully recognizes the beauty in truly feeling, processing and expressing all emotions, but he helps support other men in creating the same relationship for themselves.

This is the work gentleman.

Intellectualizing from a book or listening to someone else (like you’re doing right now) is a great start, however we can only fully embody something we experience on a physiological level.

Actions are secondary, as one’s state of being under said actions is always primary.

As an example, do you truly believe I would be able to speak with this much depth about the importance of this emotional piece by simply watching videos, reading books, or listening to other people speak about their own experiences?

To a certain degree yes, but no on a deeper level. As the degree in which I (or anyone else) can express themselves, is but a direct correlation to the level in which they can authentically see, feel, and experience themselves too.

Rather it’s your health, career, or in your relationships, our emotions are the part that’s underneath it all.

Want to enhance your health, make more money in your career, or build greater intimacy with your spouse or partner?

It’s about leading from the loving and emotional heart, then fusing that with the mind to a deep enough degree, that it rewires not only the circuitry in your brain, but throughout the entire physiology of your body too.

The #1 key is traveling from the heart space first, then going into the mind (though traditionally many of us are taught to go in the in the opposite order).

We all know we exercise to get stronger and leaner (though at the end of the day, nutrition is really the most important underlying piece).

We work hard in our professions to support ourselves (and families), as well as create more income (though the mindset is the piece that really drives the ability to create dollars – as working smart and efficiently is more sustainable and fulfilling on the long-term, rather than just working tirelessly hard).

If in a committed relationship that’s built on the foundation of unconditional love, we aspire for deep levels of intimacy with our partners (which at its root comes from authentically expressing our deepest desires and forming mutual agreements that honors each individual’s sovereign truth).

And last but not least, we know that if we are truly living our lives from a place of aligning our purpose with that of our highest calling or mission, then authentic happiness is a byproduct (which is created from truly tapping into and accessing the emotional center of the heart).

Have you reached a point on your life’s journey where you are ready to fully embrace all these levels and create more space for your inner greatness to brightly shine through?

Are you ready to say hell yes to the beautiful gift of each and every experience you’ve called forward to this point, with the intention of creating an even deeper alignment to honoring your truth even more powerfully?

And lastly, has the knock of your soul at the front door become increasingly louder and louder, to the point where you’re done with brushing it to the side and ready to breakthrough and loving express all of yourself?

If this deeply speaks to you on a personal level, and you desire to stop going at it alone and be potentially supported in a loving, yet powerfully authentic and life enriching way, I’d invite you to click here to set up a 30-minute Discovery Call. In it we’ll discuss what you truly desire to create for yourself, as well as see if we may personally be a mutual match for one another, or if another supportive alternative elsewhere, may be exactly the thing that could potentially serve you in the journey of navigating to your next level in life, the most at this time.

With Love,

Brandon