3 Ways to Nurture Your Inner Child
Each and every adult has a little kid inside of us.
No matter how mature we may think we are, there’s a deeper part of our being that’ll always be anchored back to our early childhood memories.
Rather conscious of it or not, the first six years of our life’s played an integral part in our emotional makeup.
During those tender early childhood years, we absorbed everything (and I do mean everything) like a sponge.
The tone in which we’re communicated to, the emotional security and stability of our parents, and our overall relation to stress and the bodily cues that form from it, are integral parts of said years.
The most important aspect to remember is that our conscious minds, which doesn't start developing until around the age of 12, are not activated or even close to beginning to form, so our ability to use logic or reasoning is unavailable.
We truly do feel all the feels, and our reactions to life and the world at large are dictated by the interactions of our how our parents gravitated to the world.
The thing about our inner child is that it shows up quite often in adulthood too.
It can be as light as our preference to smells or favorite colors, that we may have no conscious awareness as to why, or as deep as how we handle certain life stressors and communicate our emotions.
Rather we like it or not, parts of that inner child is here with us to stay.
However this doesn’t mean that we must unconsciously succumb to it, living in a default mode of habitual patterns that keep us repeating the same behaviors over and over again.
There are ways to nurture that inner part of ourselves,. The part of us that shows up when feelings of fearfulness or abandonment come into the fray.
What if we could more readily access the playful child too though?
You know the one.
Think back to the times of your early childhood when you were happy and just "being."
Rather that be outside playing a particular sport, playing your favorite video or board game with friends and family, or just spontaneously exploring unfamiliar terrains.
The more we can be gentle with that inner child, the more compassionate we become to ourselves and perceived imperfections.
Which leads to us continuously evolving into our highest expression.
With that being said, here are three ways to nurture that beautiful child inside of us, so that our playful, directed, and happy side can come out and play more often.
Listen to Him/Her
Each of us are made up of different personalities. Some of which are more naturally reflective, while others are more focused on the tangible aspects of our environment (think of the five senses).
No matter which way you mean lean, it’s important to be still and open enough to really hear what the voice is trying to convey to us.
The easiest example for myself is that I’m very familiar with patterns that I have of stretching myself too thin. While I’m much more aware of this and have adopted the mantra of “less is more” into my life’s direction, the feelings of either “not doing enough” or “doing too much” can still at times continue to creep into my psyche.
When this happens I realize it’s that inner part of myself just shouting out and wanting to be heard.
So instead of actively suppressing these thoughts (like I used to do both consciously and unconsciously), I now slow down and create a space for dialogue.
Adult Self: “Alright, so something doesn’t feel right”
Inner Child: “About time you listen to me”
Adult Self: “What do you mean, what’s wrong?”
Inner Child: “I’ve been trying to tell you that I’m afraid”
Adult Self: “What are you afraid of?”
Inner Child: “I’m afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes you can be really hard on me, with how you communicate to yourself”
Adult Self: “Really, what do you mean?”
Inner Child: “Well you go on and on pushing yourself and it makes me feel like I’m never doing enough”
Adult Self: “Wow, you know what, that makes sense. I’m sorry I made you feel that way and I promise you are more than enough, just the way you are. I promise to be more gentle with you”
This hasn't always been the trajectory of that inner dialogue, but I've grown to the point of catching it much more quickly than accustomed to in the past.
This leads into the second way of nurturing your inner child….
2. Supportive Self-Talk
How we communicate to ourselves, directly affects the health of our innermost self.
Are we checking into our heart space and being gentle with that inner critic, or is our energy more aligned to our heads and the repetitive non-serving thoughts that overtime can become our most comfortable state?
The vibration of words matter, and the more we actively choose to speak lovingly to ourselves and the little kid inside of us, the more they support us in taking our next step.
As an example let’s look at the abandoned inner child.
When I was in five years old, my dad left the country to go war (Desert Storm in Saudi Arabia).
I remember him giving me a hug prior to his departure and there being tears in my mothers eyes at the same time.
Not having any awareness to what an actual war was and the reason behind it, all I remember sensing was that my dad was leaving my mother and I.
I didn’t understand it.
I felt alone and remember being afraid and thinking I may never see him again.
I felt abandoned.
Why would he leave us?
Unbeknownst to me at the at time was that he was doing it primarily for financial reasons, as him and my mother had discussed that it would put the family in a better fiscal state.
Even upon him returning back to the states within a year, it took some time for me to trust him.
Would he leave again?
He says he’s not going to, but the emotions I felt were real.
The sadness in my heart didn’t just go away immediately.
It took time.
However the more he was around, the more trust I began to build.
Until six years later, when he left again.
This time it was different though, as his physical body passed away from cancer.
Unlike the war situation, there would be no coming back.
There goes another check mark in the abandonment box for me.
Years and years would past, as I went through my teenage and young adult ages.
And during these times I became very non-committal in the scope of human relationships.
Whether it was intimate relationships or forming new friendships, I kept a safe distance.
I’m guessing you may be able to figure out the underlining reason why.
Yup, I had felt I had been “abandoned” two times prior, so it was my intention (unconscious at the time) to do all I could to prevent a third.
All of this being said to just illuminate the necessity to recognize the root of how and why that particular pattern showed up in my life.
Now over twenty years later, I’ve created a new story as to what those events meant to my inner child, which now reflects into my authentic adult being.
I love up on him, support him, and have held his hand in bringing him past the stagnation of non-commitment.
And most importantly, I’ve done this from a place of non-attachment, with an openness of accepting that whatever happens in life, happens (regardless of how much I sometimes may fall into patterns of wanting to control it).
This leads me to the third and final nurturing tool.
3. Make an Agreement with Him/Her
What kind of agreement you may be thinking.
Well it’s actually one that requires you committing to them that you promise to do your best to take care of them.
You see that inner child has a beautiful way of rearing its head, and usually in the most opportune times.
However, the more we can follow the first two steps of listening to and supporting them, the more of a safe space we create to coexist with it.
The most important part of the relationship is to do it out of a place of love.
For a final example, as of writing this I’m on day 54 of not consuming any alcohol.
This came from two motivations;
Just prior to starting, I went to concert (shoutout to FKJ) and drank a wee bit too much. I felt awful the next day and it struck a nerve in me to commit right there on the spot of not consuming any for a month.
You see I could tell I was beginning to lean on it, in a one-two glasses of wine every night kind of way.
While I have no judgments for anyone who parlays in the same, the climax of the music event and how I felt afterwards lit a desire in me to challenge myself to forgo from it for a while.
My original commitment was 30 days.
Now to the point where I’m almost double that time length, I still feel led to continue.
And for the other reason…
I had just finished watching one of my clients successfully omit alcohol for 90 days and his dedication and commitment actually inspired me to take a deeper look at myself.
While severely hung over in my bed the following morning I could hear my inner child talking to me.
It was saying, “Why would you knowingly do this me” and “I thought you loved my body and genuinely enjoy taking care of it.”
It was communicating to me that it didn’t like feeling that way, and deep down even before that episode, I knew that I was beginning to use alcohol (albeit 1-2 glass a night) as a bit of a crutch.
Therefore I communicated my love for him and apologized for treating him that way.
This is the same child that as a baby had previously been swung and accidentally thrown into a mirror (thanks brother and sister), causing him to go unconscious and be rushed to the emergency room to make sure he was alright.
My inner child (and his body) is highly sensitive.
And the more I respect this and lovingly show that I hear, support, and promise to take care of him, the more he’ll continue to trust me in holding his hand and leading along the way.
And the exact same goes for you and yours 😊
With Love,
Brandon