The Beauty of Crying

Why most men find it difficult to cry, when sometimes it's the exact thing we need to do the most

I love crying.

It’s something in the past I highly avoided but now openly desire.

Growing up, society places a tremendous amount of standards on what it means to be a boy, on the path of becoming a man.

We’re supposed to be tougher, more dominant, and possess an overall “get it done” type of attitude.

Always wear your best (or at least most stoic) face. We’re taught tears are a form of weakness.

And weakness is vulnerability (so you know we can’t go all willy nilly showing the world those right?).

However when we spend our lives suppressing our emotions, we become really good at wearing a mask, one that fits so tightly to the point that we feel (or rather I should say think) that we are the authentic expression behind it.

We keep our best face on in the midst of inner turmoil or adversity. Either that or we lash out on those around us (and more times than not it’s the ones we love the most).

This isn’t always the case though, as sometimes we just become numb and apathetic.

We place so much on our shoulders (without consciously realizing it) that we never truly give ourselves enough space to just “be.”

We move on from one task to the next, as our schedules and lives in general are highly dependent upon us showing up.

The thing is, even when we do have time to “unwind,” we spend it being so in our heads that the quiet time almost feels like a chore in itself.

We numb ourselves.

We use food, alcohol, sex, television, porn, or exercise, to distract us from feeling.

Emotions are energy and whenever we avoid them, they have not so beautiful ways of appearing elsewhere.

A few years back I had the opportunity to truly slow down and disconnect for six weeks out of the country. I went to Ecuador for an intensive yoga and mindfulness teacher-training program.

It’s one thing practicing the art of yoga in the confides of your own home environment, however it’s another being completely removed from it and in a setting that promotes genuine peace and tranquility.

During this time I became exquisitely aware of the amount of pressure I had been putting on myself for so long leading up to that point.

It was not only in my psyche but I could legitimately feel it in my body.

Guess what happened next.

I cried.

And I don’t mean just a mild onset of tears that I quickly discarded in an attempt to avoid.

No, I mean continuous hours of solidly releasing(unknowingly at the time) all the noise, baggage, and pressure I had actively been placing on myself for who knows how long.

Beforehand, I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.

I vividly remember this event and its aftermath, because at the time it was the absolute lightest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

I felt at peace and truly overcome by a stillness I had yet to experience in my life up till that point. Even looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed lightness in my eyes and a visual opening of my chest and shoulders.

Words aren’t even doing it full justice right now, but it was clearly evident to not only myself, but others too.

Once back in the states I remember bumping into a former colleague of mine who hadn’t seen me in over a year.

She smiled at me with an open and curious gaze after we exchanged hugs, and I remember verbatim what she said to me just after.

“Wow, you look sooo light.”

I asked her what she meant by that.

“I don’t know, you definitely look different though…. Just lighter and happier.”

I then thanked her for the observation and compliment.

As we departed ways I remember thinking back to that transformative moment in Ecuador.

Prior to the event happening, I had no conscious awareness that there was even a need to cleanse the cocktail of emotions I was feeling.

I now welcome tears and love being open enough now to truly feel them.

Sometimes sadness is underneath them, while at other times it’s pure happiness.

As a man (like many others) who didn’t grow up in a household where he ever saw his father cry, I had no reference to it.

At times when I did cry in my early childhood for being upset, sad, or physically hurt, I remember hearing a culmination of the phrases:

“C’mon now, toughen up”

“Boys aren’t supposed to cry”

“You better stop with that crying”

I don’t mention this to throw shade at my pops grave, or put the blame on anyone else outside of myself.

However, I will say that this is an area that affects many men, especially in the western world.

We all to a certain degree have sensitivities.

For some that could be to certain foods, while others may be more sensitive to certain words or feelings.

Whatever that may be for a person on an individual level, it’s important to remember to always be gentle with yourself.

Whether you’re externally “pushing” yourself too hard, in order to avoid solitude, or internally “suppressing” your emotions, leading to limitations in expressing your truest self, the very first step is always the same and that is to:

Slow Down.

Sometimes all we need is to close our eyes, take a few deep breaths, and just allow whatever needs to be to do just that, in being.

For when we embrace and welcome the tears of fear, sadness, and anger, with the same amount of openness as those of joy and anticipation, we are then able to live life in the flow of what is, leading to more inner peace and genuine self-acceptance.

With Love,

Brandon