How to Father Yourself: A Man’s Guide To Honest Communication When Emotions Run High
I’d like to share a recent experience with you, that I encountered with another man whom I hold close to my heart.
This friend and I grew up together, played sports together, and have been there for each other during some of the most challenging times of our lives.
I mention this to say that I genuinely love this man and know that my life wouldn’t be the same if our paths had never intertwined over 20 years prior.
3RD TIME'S A CHARM
Recently this friend and I were in communication with one another, where within 5 minutes of us seeing each other, they began sharing some of the areas they feel very frustrated or angered by within their lives.
This conversation felt very familiar to me, as it had a similar texture to the two most previous convos we had in the past.
I noticed as they began speaking to me, I felt a subtle closing off within my chest.
A thought then appeared for me of “Here we go again,” as I was able to then notice where this dialogue would be leading.
I want to be clear that I’m not bashing or putting down this person as I share the story for greater context, however you’ll soon see how ultimately everything that I’m sharing has to actually do with me.
FAINTING - BODY'S RESPONSE TO DISTRESS
So, to get back to the story, this friend communicated some frustrations they had towards another person within their lives and how they couldn’t believe that the person in which they were referring to, would treat them the way they did.
I noticed as they continued speaking how I started to become a bit tired, near to the point of actually “fainting.”
Fainting is one of the body's stress responses to emotional distress.
Like many others, you may already be familiar with or heard of the other three (3):
1. The fight response (which involves attacking or going after something or someone whom a person feels threatened by – think of a mother bear protecting her baby cubs by immediately lunging towards another animal or person who comes near them)
2. The flight response (which involves escaping or leaving the person or situation whom a person feels threatened by - think of a squirrel in nature as you approach it)
3. The freeze response (which involves in a sense becoming frozen or paralyzed when a perceived threat appears – think of a cat whose body becomes completely still at first, when it’s startled or caught off guard by the site of an unknown human)
However, a fourth that isn’t as often talked about is:
4. The faint response (which involves the body shifting to a position where it almost feels like one is melting or drowning within themselves – think of an opossum animal that looks like it’s playing dead when a snake, human, or other potentially threatening animal appears close to it). That’s fainting.
Image courtesy of www.talk-works.co.uk
Admittedly I didn’t go into a full-on catatonic state of lying down, however I did show subtle signs of this playing out within my own body.
As my friend continued speaking, my body began to slouch, and I could hear a subtle ringing within my head.
They spoke with so much passion and fire (to which I wasn’t prepared for), that my nervous system became overwhelmed and went into protection mode. While in protection mode I could still hear the words they were saying, however I became acutely aware of a feeling of being light-headed and immensely tired throughout my entire body.
40-minutes later, they were complete.
They mentioned they felt much better and were glad to get all of what they said off of their chest.
ANGER CREEPING UP
I on the other hand was exhausted and felt as if I was taken advantage of, for a couple of particular reasons:
1. I hadn’t seen them in nearly a year, and this exact same scenario, as far as them unloading everything on their heart, came full force and out of nowhere during the past two times we were together then as well
2. They never remotely asked if I’d be open to hear or listen to the particular problems or issues in which they were dealing with
On the surface this may come across as me being insensitive (which if it is, I’m fine with that being the perception). However, I had already had two (2) coaching sessions with clients earlier that same day. During said sessions, I was prepared both mentally and emotionally (as well as energetically too) and was ready to truly listen and support them in navigating clarity around their current life challenges.
Over the years I’ve come to recognize that I have a certain expenditure of energy in my tank throughout a typical day, that if once stretched or I go too far beyond it, I quickly become tired and need time alone to recharge.
It’s both the gift and curse of being a highly sensitive man.
On one hand I’m able to effortlessly tune into others emotions and what it is that they may need, however on the other, it's equally important for me to stay very connected to my own needs and honor those too.
I was “expecting” to unwind with my friend whom I hadn’t seen in quite some time, with the plan of being able to disconnect from some of the space I had been holding for others prior to his arrival.
Still feeling out of sorts after our conversation (which again in my perception was really just him unloading aspects that they hadn’t communicated or shared with anyone in their lives), I then took the next hour to myself to go relax in solitude.
While I sat with my lonesome, I noticed a wave of anger in the center of my chest, as my heart beat began to shallow.
Thoughts appeared for me of:
“How dare this person unload all of what they did on me without any warning.”
“That’s so disrespectful of them to blindside me with all of their issues or problems for 40 straight unprompted minutes. I mean this is what I do professionally for a living. It’s not fair for me to just give my energy away like that.”
“This is the 3rd consecutive time that when we’ve actually connected, I’ve left every interaction feeling both tired and as if I was being taken advantage of.”
As these thoughts perused through my mind, I soon had an insight that it would be of no use for me to continue rehashing these same thoughts over and over again.
I knew that what I needed was something to break away from this mental pattern loop.
I then chose to meditate for 20-minutes in order to slow down my thoughts and re-regulate my nervous system, as well as see if a fresh new perspective may arise for me after coming back to my center.
After said meditation, I was able to create a bit more awareness of the entirety of that moment earlier in the afternoon and what was occurring for me during it.
I began to see that I was making myself a “victim” of the situation.
I then became curious as to what was truly transpiring under the surface for me.
“If this has occurred three consecutive times, then what role have I played in both creating and allowing it to happen?”
From this initial reframed thought, another arose.
“What is my anger trying to communicate or show me?”
I knew that the emotion of anger means something needs to be “killed or destroyed.”
That may seem a bit graphic but that is exactly what the emotion is trying to show.
As an example, sadness means something is either lost or needs to be let go of, and what’s usually underneath fear is a feeling of not feeling safe or wanting to lose control.
My anger was showing me that I needed to create a boundary for myself.
I knew that my friend has a very short fuse and his primary reaction out of the four (4) stress responses is easily “fight.”
From knowing this, I decided I would:
1. Create a bit of space between us, meaning rather than communicate face-to-face with him while we were both in the same vicinity, I would go with an alternative
2. Once my nervous system was fully resettled and I was clear on everything I wanted to communicate with him, I would then ask him via a text or audio message if he would be open to hear a reflection from me based on our time together the previous day
3. I would then share said message with him over audio
This message would allow me to share all of my words without the possibility of interruption, and would allow him the opportunity to process what I communicate in his own way and respond whenever/if ever he felt inclined to do so.
THE PROCESS OF OVERCOMING FEAR OF EXPRESSING VULNERABLY
Upon coming up with this inner agreement within myself, I soon felt a wave of fear throughout my whole entire belly.
My hands began vibrating and I noticed a constriction in my throat (just before pressing the record button to begin sharing the audio message with him).
At this point the thought arose for me:
“What if he doesn’t receive or is able to process what I share with him and he becomes angry?”
“What if from his anger, he immediately responds and tells me I’m wrong or to screw the f**k off?”
“What if he disappears and never wants to talk to me again?”
I had had the experience in the past of communicating my truth to others (only for them to go dark or become non-responsive when I would try to reach out and connect with them at a later date).
As the above thoughts appeared, I soon after closed my eyes and began to slowly breathe deeply into my belly.
I then put both of my bare hands under my shirt and directly on the area of my heart, touching skin to skin.
With my eyes still closed I began verbally communicating to myself:
“It’s alright Brandon, you’re okay man. A part of you feels a contraction within your chest and throat, as well as a big pit within the base of your stomach.”
“What is the part of me trying to communicate or express at this time?”
“Ahh, it’s wanting to express that it is scared. It feels very fearful right now.”
I continued.
“There’s nothing wrong or bad about the fear you’re presently experiencing and noticing within your physical body. It’s ok Brandon, it’s alright to notice this feeling.”
“I know you have felt this before in other periods when you were on the verge of communicating something from your heart, to which you aren’t sure how it’s going to be received by the other.”
As I continued breathing and allowing myself to fully be with the emotions that were present for me, I soon began to feel more relaxed. A noticeable release of tension could be felt throughout my body, circulating from the hands throughout both of my arms, as well as from my stomach and the center of my chest.
From this place, I reflected on a new internal question:
“What does my higher self want? What is God wanting to express through me at this time?”
Eyes still closed and hands still in the exact same position, I began to speak.
“My higher self wants me communicate my truth. To share my experience of what I see to another man who may not have anyone in his life who will communicate to him to the same degree that I will. I will share with him that I both Iove and appreciate him. I will also share that I have noticed a pattern of this same exact issue that he’s brought up, being the baseline of all our past three conversations over a nearly two-year period. I will share with him that I felt blindsided when he immediately began speaking and releasing the pent-up emotions of anger he had been holding, within 5 minutes of us seeing one another. I will share that moving forward in the future, I would request for him to ask me if it would be alright for him to share some deeper aspects of what he’s going through first, before letting it all out. I will share that this gives me an opportunity to say yes or no, and be able to fully give him my undivided attention if it is a yes. If he says yes to my request but in the future doesn’t abide by it, I will then proactively pause or stop the conversation to reflect on what I’ve shared with him in the past around my request. I will share from my perspective; it seems like he’s blaming everyone outside of himself and not taking responsibility for the role or part he’s played within the dynamic he’s sharing. And lastly, I will also invite him to seek support outside of himself. Rather that be via a men’s group, counseling, therapy, or coaching. Something that allows him to more effectively be in dialogue with someone whom he trust, who can help him see potential areas that he may not be seeing on his own. I will share with him the personal impact it’s had on me within my own life and many other men whom I know both personally and professionally. I will share with him that I have no attachment to everything I’m sharing as it’s coming from a genuine place of love and only with the intention of helping.”
I knew that if I wanted something to genuinely change that wasn’t working for me, it was my responsibility to communicate my needs and allow the other person the opportunity to make a choice on whether or not they would be open to respecting my request (aka boundary).
After communicating this I felt a huge wave of warmth and elevated energy throughout my chest, which then began to permeate throughout my whole entire body.
I then proceeded to record the message and hit send.
15 minutes long.
I ended the message with the invitation for him to please take as much time as he needed as far as sitting with it, and if he felt led at any point to share what thoughts came up or arose within him upon listening, to know that I’m more than open to hear any and all of them (with no restrictions).
A few hours later he responded expressing his appreciation for my openness in sharing what I did with him and that it’s something he feels will help him with both his growth and healing.
A GATEWAY TO GREATER SELF-AWARENESS
When my father transitioned a month after my 12th birthday (rest in spirit dad), I held onto the belief that other men couldn’t relate to my journey unless they had experienced the physical passing of their fathers when they were young too.
However what I learned after stepping into the men’s work/group space was that that prior held belief wasn’t true.
It was there where/when I realized that MANY men’s fathers were physically present within/in their lives, but they didn’t hold any emotional connection to them.
It’s as if their fathers were visible, but without the emotional connection present between them, they were just as equally relatable to me as I was to them.
This was mind-altering for me, as I previously felt so alone and as if something was missing within my core (even with having what society would consider conventional success professionally).
However what was missing was a deeper emotional connection within myself and other men.
REPARENTING YOURSELF
The moral of this story is not to put myself on some kind of pedestal.
The premise is for the man who’s reading this to ask himself these questions:
“Who in your life is genuinely calling forth a deeper sense of greatness within you?”
2. “Who in your life does not coddle or buy into your limiting beliefs or excuses of why you may be a victim in certain scenarios or situations?”
3. “When’s the last time someone who doesn’t need anything from you, has challenged your way of thinking in a direct but loving way?”
Often many men don’t have someone like this in their lives.
If you’re married or in a relationship, it’s not your spouse’s responsibility.
This is not a knock on women, but they do not have the natural capacity to call forth masculine leadership in a way that it can be received with the same level of depth, as another man who’s dialed in within himself, and his own mission in life.
And if you are single, does your group of guy friends really talk in this fashion or is it more small talk around sports scores, the attraction level of different women, or other small talk that doesn’t pierce into the soul of what’s needed in order to wake one up out of complacency.
This is the essence of fathering yourself.
Being able to connect with the full range of underlying emotions that may present themselves in uncomfortable situations, instead of staying fully in the head and bypassing the intelligence of the body and what it’s attempting to communicate.
This area is my superpower in how I support men in harnessing deeper levels of inner awareness in a way that is supportive in elevating one to feel more alive, integral, and connected to their deepest truth.
This creates greater levels of mental clarity, inner alignment, and embodied presence, which connects them to a deeper level of their core and power to create in the world.
THIS, and I truly do mean THIS, is a blind spot where many men are suffering without having any idea of the reason for such.
They’re trying to solve all problems from the HEAD and by doing so, are actually disconnecting more and more from their BODIES.
You know why I know?
Because I’ve been that EXACT same man.
One who suppressed their deepest emotions for fear of not being able to channel them in a healthy way (or from my belief of others not being able to handle them ).
One who tried to solely live and create from the head (because on the surface it feels so much easier, and there’s soooo much activity up there that it seems like that’s the area with all the power).
One who, similar to my friend, has tried to go at it alone, only to explode at various periods with all the pent-up emotions that accumulated over time.
Can you relate to this?
A LIFE CHANGING REQUEST
If so, this is an invitation for you to step up.
And that “step up” doesn’t have anything to do with me, it has EVERYTHING to do with yourself.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Go out and receive some support.
Research counseling, therapy, men’s groups, coaching, or some other modality where you’re not trying to Superman yourself to oblivion (perpetually having the same issues pop up over and over and over again).
Get rooted and anchored into yourself and realize there’s a higher purpose for you being on this planet. Something that God / Universe / Allah / The Divine / or whoever the God of your experience is, has put on your heart to bring forth into this world and if you’re not tapped into that, then frankly put, everything else is meaningless.
If not for yourself, do it for the planet and future generations that are coming here and will be here long after all of you (including myself) who are presently reading this will ever be.
The time is now.
There is no such thing as “the perfect time.”
The “perfect time” is created within the present moment by committing to make a choice.
Are you willing to answer the inner call?
This is an opportunity for you to lean in and truly GO for what you ultimately want within your life.
You either chase purpose or pleasure.
The choice is yours.
With Love,
Brandon
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